Today......

Today is Friday April 9th......

Today is the first day of my new life.....

Today I guess is a pretty important day.....

This emotional roller coaster has been one helluva ride.....and I havent enjoyed it one bit....ok, I take that back, I have loved the weight loss program that came with it...I watched as I got down to my pre-pregancy weight....then to my high school weight....so this I have enjoyed....but the hollow feeling inside me out weighs this slimfast joy.....

I've learned a lot and will become stronger and better from this all....

I've hurt a lot and I'm sure that I will continue to hurt for awhile.....and go thru the vicious cycle of the highs and lows....

Life will go on.....I will be happy again....but today I'm just here....

Raindrops....

Raindrops are like teardrops....and it's been raining all day.....

I used to listen to the song 'Please don't leave me' and sing it word for word....still do....but it hurts even more to sing it or hear it.....

I really want to know what it's going to take to get thru this....

I really want to know what it's going to take to make my hurt go away....

I truly feel like someone has died....I truly feel as if my heart is being twisted every beat it takes....

Raindrops are like teardrops...and it's been raining all day.....

Hurt

I cried again tonight…..I don’t know why I did….when I already knew the answer….I already knew the outcome of the night….I guess I was expecting more….I was wanting more….but I should have known better…..

My heart hurts right now….it hurts a lot….my need and want to feel loved is overwhelming….
Its been a lot of days…a lot of hours….and millions of seconds….and no forgiveness insight….no comebacks….

I am me
I am imperfect
I am stubborn on certain moments

But that doesn’t make all of me….that doesn’t give anyone the right to give up on me….or treat me like I’m not a valuable person….that I’m not a valuable wife….

There is a lot to said about past mistakes….mistakes happen, everyone learns from their mistakes….that’s what makes them a better person…that’s what helps them build towards the future….

I love my husband….love him with all of my heart….but he hurts me daily….he’s pulled so far away….

I don’t think he wants to be married….in fact after tonight I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to be married…no one should have to worry or wonder for over 6 hours where their husband is, or if they are coming home…

When you love someone, you respect them…you want to be there for them….you want to make them feel better…you want to comfort them…treat them like they are your number one…..and I don’t have that….what I have is a one way street…

I’ve messed up in the beginning….so does it make it right to be treated like this now? No it doesn’t….I’ve paid my dues…I’ve apologized, I’ve begged, I’ve hung myself out there everyday…….

So I cry….

So I hurt….

Does he care….no sadly he doesn’t…..he doesn’t know what he wants….but I’m figuring it out that it’s not me…it cant be me….otherwise there would be no question….there would be no doubt….there would be no hurt….there would be no tears….and I wouldn’t be alone….I would be with my husband….but I’m not….

I wonder...

if things really happen for a reason

if everyone forgives and forgets

if time heals all wounds

if people really do grow "out" of love

when your heart can stop hurting

when things will get easier

if it's possible to feel love....really feel it

why things can't be easy

if there are signs

if true love does exist

if my heart will feel better

when all days are going to be good days

when bad days will only be a few far and between

.......when I will be loved.........

Things that are good...

My children

Sunsets

Rain

Thunderstorms

Scary Movies

A good cry

My family

My friends

Brownies

Fast cars

A calm morning

Spring

Fall

Football

Watching my kids play

Watching my kids sleep

Hearing a good belly laugh

Having a good belly laugh

Old fashioned roller skating

A good book

Sleeping in

Sunrises

Campfires

Camping

Baking with my kids

Homemade pizza

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzards

Coke zero

Fresh cut flowers

The smell of fresh cut grass

Hot chocolate on a cold night

Cold beer on a hot day

Beaches

A card in the mail

Hugs

Kisses

............love and feeling loved

Right now...

All we have is the moment.....all we have is right now.....and lately I have been lost, I've been confused, I've been thrown into a world of endless emotions.....I don't know if anyone has had any of those "moments" those times when something clicks....you have told yourself over and over, and have told others of your intentions, and you try to follow thru but can't - then you're sitting there and you get it....it comes together and you realize it has to happen.

I've told myself over and over that I'm worth loving....that I'm worth it all...and I finally believe myself....I'm there....it's a good feeling

Will I have my lows and highs....yes

Will I keep on trying...yes

I'm here....and I'm going to love me

Blue...it's not just a color

One step forward.....million steps back....then roll down a fucking hill....yeah I'm falling.....not liking today's me....not liking the emotions of my fears, anger, love, frustration or regret......today's a bad bad bad day......all I got