April, april, april....

To sum up the month of April....rain, rain go away, come again maybe in a couple months?!? It has been a dreary, dreary month...of nothing much but cold weather, mud, rain, ANNNNND snow...yes you read correctly snow....that lovely white stuff that falls in cold temperatures...thank you thank you mother nature...

But today the sun is shining and no rain...and you can tell that peeps needed it...peeps are starting to smile again, and there is this strange sound that is coming out of some folks...think it's been rumored to be a thing called laughter....

Since there has been so much rain, and the backyard is resembling more of a mosh pit than yard of newly sprouts of grass I am twitching and impatiently waiting to get out and till...yes till...a spot for a GARDEN...to say I'm excited is an understatement, I could pee my pants I'm that excited to plant this damn thing....now we should be very clear on the fact, that yes I did grow up on a farm...no I have no green thumb....vegetables have mercy because there is going to be a large abundance of miracle grow, fertilizer (if there's a difference from the miracle grow??) and prays said to get this baby going....

Trust me, I will be the proud parent and post some pictures of my inspiring garden...I'm pretty sure you all can not wait for this and will anxiously be awaiting.....

So we will wait for the yard to dry and look forward to May, may, may.....

364

Yes folks you read it right.....364

That's 364 days that have gone by....tomorrow will mark 365.....and Saturday will mark 366....

You may ask why count or why think about this....why look at it like that, when I preach and preach about moving forward...think forward...don't look back....

In a way I contradict myself....ok, I a lot contradict myself...hellllooooo, do you not read my prior posts?!?

I have moved on....I do look forward, but I'm always reminded of my past year....I'm such a different person....at times I like the person and at other times I wonder where the hell or who the hell I really am....

Am I just now this cookie cutter of a person trying to be this perfect human being....trying to make sure others are happy and am I really happy? or am I just convincing myself daily that this is what I begged for...this is what I wanted....

but am I happy....

I am happy in different ways....

I am satisfied in different ways.....

I am stronger in many ways....

I know this post is a lot of rambles and not much is going to make sense.....but I have a lot jumbled up in this noggin of mine.....

I want the next 364 days to be different....

I know life brings stress, but I want to be as carefree, drama free as possible....I want to plan weekend getaways, and getaway....I want to enjoy my kids and really enjoy them....I want to hear them tell me stories and actually hear the story....

After today's post the mood of this blog is changing...the "type" if there ever has been a type will be different....

I'm moving on from the past and going to be only talking about the good and the now....

Soooo, I know my 1 or 2 readers...this is what you have to look forward too....more blogging and talks of puppy tails, rainbows and fluffy clouds....

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Gives so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

Gone but not forgotten....

I know...I know....I am a horrible blogger....to my small crowd of readers, I apologize......

There has been many times that I have gone here to jibber jabber my random thoughts of chaos....to type away when I have had some tears....to share a smile or two that have come across my face.....but I haven't.....I have been a ghost lately when it comes to this site.....

I think for the simplicity of it all, I have just wanted to disappear....I would still love to disappear, to have a vacation from it all....but then what? Just not face adulthood?? Not face my problems??? Doesn't work that way missy.....you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up and move on...think forward and work on your problems, mistakes, and relationships.....

I will say for the record that I have become a shitty friend....and I apologize to my friends....I really haven't been that great....and I promise to you all that I will work on my ways.....sometimes I find solitude the best remedy for me and I forget that I'm not the only one in the picture, that my friends deserve answers....they deserve call backs....they deserve that response of an email or text....again, sorry amigos....I will not be an ass anymore....

We are now into 2011....last January I started this wonderful, bubbly (sarcasm) blog....before the fall of Rome (that's what I call it)

It's a new year....and I'm welcoming it....thinking positive, thinking I'm grateful.....thinking I need to relax more, care less of little things that don't' need to consume my thoughts and days.....worry about the ones that love me and that I love, and the rest will fall into place.....

The past is the past.....and for that - AMEN - but even with saying that.....it may be gone, but it's still not forgotten.....

Sweaters....heaters and a lot of cocoa....

So I'm thinking it's here....I'm going to go out on a limb and dare to say that the lovely above average temps are gone....the mornings to run out of the house without a jacket have come and gone....the lovely nights that you can sit outside and gaze mindlessly up in the sky with just a blanket are done....unless of course you'd like to add a sleeping bag, parka, hat, gloves and some boots....

My favorite fall time is done.....sadly once again it went way too fast....no apple orchards this time, no pumpkin patches....not to say that we won't be carving a pumpkin or two yet...

Next will be the snow, the lovely scooping of the white fluffy shit that breaks my back every year, and I vow to get a snow blower and because I feel it's pointless or maybe it's because I secretly think if I get one it will snow and if I don't it wont?? Either way, it snows....and I don't like it....

I do like Christmas, the baking, the music, the food, the smells, the lights, the Santa Claus letters and of course being with family.....

So on to the next season.....here's to a hopefully uneventful next few months....this crazy gal could use some quiet time....non drama filled days, with nothing but some sweaters, heaters and a lot of cocoa.....

look at you...look at me....

There are certain people who bring out the best in you. Just being around them raises your game, makes you a better version of yourself. Let go of those who whittle you down, little by little, to fit you into their smaller experience of the world.

-Karina Allrich

I don't think anyone realizes what or who they surround themselves with....unless you stop and methodically think of your friends, your co-workers, your family.....and think of how you feel when you are with a certain group or a certain person....I know that I have had the thoughts when I'm with certain peeps...I know who to go to when i need to cry....I know who to go to when I need to laugh....I know who to go to when I need that feeling...the feeling of nothing yet everything tied up into one...

It's said that there is someone out there, someone that you don't even know that loves you....which by the way i find incredibly odd....how if they don't know me, could they possibly love me? I am quite a difficult person...I'm stubborn, I'm extremely independent, yet still dream/wish/want that knight in shining armor to come and rescue me...I talk too much, I cry over the craziest things, I have an opinion about everything....and yet with all of this, you're saying some stranger loves me?? I'll take it....

With that being said....looking at who you have around you, to absolute strangers...you have to think, no...you would have to know how delicate and how precious your time is....how what you do, what you say effects someone....you may not even know who at the time, but it changes something in someones life....

Look at you and look at me....no need to judge, no need to worry, no need to pick apart....live your life....live your dreams....be happy for you....because what Tom Cruise said is bullshit....no one else can complete you....you complete yourself.....

So smile biotches.....

Where have you been...

It's friday and it's a beautiful morning...

As I mentioned I love fall....love the crisp mornings...the smell of the air....it's perfect....

I've been once again struggling, as you can tell from my last couple posts....I've had a few others, that thank goodness I did not post....peeps would have probably driven to my home to commit me to the loony bin or take away all sharp objects....

I've been given solitude, I've been given space, I've been given time...and during this I thought I wanted something, thought I needed something....maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm delusional....but I had my mind set...I thought everything was already in place and I that I would be making the biggest mistake in my life if I even doubted or placed doubt....my strength that I had accumulated had disintegrated and crumbled over time, leaving me to act like a huge pile of self-doubt....

It took one word

It took one action

It took one moment

To change me...

To open my eyes...

To realize....

I had nothing...

I never had anything...

I had a thought...

I had a hope...

I was looking for something that had never been or was ever there...

It was fictional...

Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them....I forgot this...with all my glorious sayings hanging all around me....I forget to pay attention, I tend to ignore the signs and follow my heart....

As a wise friend told me....remove your heart and dont go on your emotions...you need to look at it without emotion....

They were right....and I'm blessed that I have the friends that I have to pull me up, dust me off and find me...the real me...because no one wants a bed wetter.....and the debbie downer look does not look good on me...

Respect.....

Who could say it better than Aretha Franklin....R-E-S-P-E-C-T....such a powerful word....if you look up the definition of this glorious word this is what you find....

re·spect
(r-spkt)
re·spect·ed, re·spect·ing, re·spects
1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3. To relate or refer to; concern.

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one's respects.
5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail:

I have so much to say for this.....so much....I watch other people....or I need to correct that....I watch couples....other couples amaze me....I'm envious....very envious of a women that has a man listen to her....look at her....talk to her.....respect her....

You have nothing without respect....yes I know that you have to have honesty and all that other bullshit too but without respect you have nothing....you have a power struggle between two people trying to be in control...trying to make the other be/do what they want....that my friends is not a relationship....it's not respect....it's a nightmare...it's a horrible nightmare, that no one deserves....no one needs to feel not worth the respect of the person who is suppose to be your best friend...your lover...your partner....