WTF....well that's fantastic...

Well happy Friday ya'll....it's hot, humid and very uncomfortable, did I also mention it's 7:12 in the morning...oh and that it's hot?

Besides the fact that it's summer finally, can I get an amen, it has now turned from blessed cool temps with rain to the inferno heat that takes your breath away when you enter the wonderful outdoors..but I'll take it...it means that seasons are once again changing and before you know it I'll be bitching that it's cold....

SO...to get on my happy pants for once (I truly am a happy person...I really am...I'm fun times even tho this blog does make me seem to be a huge depressed debbie downer) I wanted to go through my likes and loves....

1. my kids...duh...that's an easy one for the simple fact that they are nothing short of amazing and God bless the best kids in the world....even when they whine, fight, want my money or even don't listen to simple instructions...I thank God everyday for those wonderful creatures....and the best feature is they are now self-serve for food and watering....

2. Soda...I love my diet coke or coke zero....kinda addicted to it....i keep saying I'm going to quit....I should quit ....

3. McDonalds fries...oh how I love thee....super size those bastards please....end of story

4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzards....really do I have to explain why I love this wonderful concoction?

5. Breakfast...I really really love breakfast....like really...all of it...wait I take that back, I'm really not a sausage girl...so please if you are going to be making me breakfast in bed or breakfast at all for that matter hold the sausage....

6. Sleeping in or sleeping period with the rain....nothing is more relaxing than going to bed with rain tapping on the window or the roof....love it...

7. Watching the stars....give me a blanket and a great summers night and I'm a happy girl...

8. Ms. pacman...I rule...period....

9. Camping...anytime you can go days without showering and consider it the norm you really can't go wrong...eating cheeseburgers for breakfast, dinner and supper...beer is the staple beverage for breakfast, dinner and supper....that's a good time....

10. My friends and family...they are the bomb...my sister....oooooh my sister...that women has listened to me ramble, rant, cry, sob, scream...you name it...and told me how I'm this amazing person every time I feel like I'm nothing and I'm at my weakest point, she has worried over me more than a sister ever should...I have a cousin who is the most amazing friend I could ever have....I pretty much have him as my brother....we don't need to talk everyday..hell we can go months without talking, but he's always there, he's always been there and I'm blessed to have him....my parents, where to start...we haven't always gotten along who doesn't at times but they are there through thick and thin...every disappointment, every tear, every laugh...they are there....and my friends...I really don't have a lot of "close" friends anymore...which stinks since i used to have a lot...I've kinda secluded myself away from the world, but the true friends I know that I still have, I know I can ask them for anything and they would be there in a heartbeat....

so see...I'm not all gloom and doom...here's to a great weekend....

That was then....this is now....

So folks....here is the situation....

As many of you (I'd like to think that I have a large reading base so please play along with me) know I have had a shitty year...shouldn't say shitty shitty but a pretty dog gone not good year...I've been left alone, or left while others decided if I was what they wanted and during this time I was certain....no I was positive that this was what I wanted, this person was worth every little bit of stress, pain and heartbreak that I was going through....I felt alone, I felt that no one knew me like this person...no one would ever want someone as broken as me.....

Fast forward a bit....

He's back...he says he's sorry....he says he loves me....yet I don't feel like I did....I have so many resentment issues I want to scream....

Trust is gone....hurt is in its place

Faith is gone....doubt is in its place

And i wonder....I wonder everyday and night what I'm doing....why I'm doing what I'm doing....is it because I fought for you for so long...I wanted to fix what was broken...but now all that is broken is me....all that is still hurt and confused is me...

No pity party needed...I'm doing it and have done it to myself....so yes I know suck it up stop bitching and do what needs to be done to be happy...new chapter....

I never had doubt....I never wondered how I felt....

That was then....this is now.....

When you feel like...

Maybe it's me....which could very easily be...but there are times, days, moments, hours, seconds...you get the vibe I'm trying to throw at you....but I have these times where I have these feelings....

Sometimes I feel like it's me against the world....I have no one in my corner, and I'm fighting with everyone around me and there is the word "sane" doesn't seem to exist in any ones vocab....where the tears are streaming down my face because the frustration that is overwhelming me is too much to bare....where my voice is drowned by the snowball effect of one person hating/disliking the other and I'm in the middle and no matter what I say or do it's the wrong thing to say or do.....

then - oh but then....there are times where i feel like I have the world....I am victorious - I can have it all....and I know that I do have it all...everything falls into the proper place....everyone is civil to the next person....no one wants to fight....people choose their battles and realize that really it's all not that important to be the head honcho....

Sometimes i just feel ok....which is ok.....

Sometimes i just feel mad....which is also ok.....as long as I don't kick the dog, attack anyone or harm anything....which hasn't happened so I'm thinking my craziness isn't conflicted with anger management....whooh!

And today? oooooh today.....my favorite...insert sarcasm.....confusion....Confused.....conflustered....you get the point....when you feel like your lost....or just in a floating dream of mixed sorts of reality and fiction.....when you can dream up what you want the scenario to play out, but wonder if it will.....and the fog just isn't lifting.....

Oh you damn fog.....

Oh you damn heart.....

Oh you damn heart.....

I'm thinking buying that country cd wasn't the best pick me up this weekend....I'm going to have to go for maybe some Alanis.....insert sarcasm....

So I lied.....

I had mentioned...or I had said that yes, yes I was done talking about the past and I wanted to move on and only talk about rainbows, puppy dogs, and sunshine....I lied - and I apologize right now....

I'm going to talk about it....

Not saying I need to, or I have to....

I want to...

When there are crossroads in your life and you have no one but a wall to talk to at times...or you scramble to find your sanity and pray that you are keeping it together...i remembered how much this helped me....how pouring my gut wrenching, crazy ramblings onto to this page helped....it helped me think it through and it helped me feel better....it made me feel like I had someone to talk to....that I had someone who listened to me...

I felt sane....

I felt better.....

Now I'm not saying that i'm insane right now, or sad....I just have a lot of emotions built up in me....Thoughts that are here that are trapped.....

I wonder when and who it takes to make the past go away...or ill feelings disappear....Do you have to move on in order to make it go away or is that just running away from your problems? Do you build up more resentment even though you tell yourself that you don't resent someone?

I would say I know those answers, but I don't

I would say that I'm happy - but I'm not

I would say that I know what to do, but I don't

I want love

Better yet, i want to feel love....kinda like someone feels the sunshine on a sunny day...

So I guess I did talk about sunshine....not a total liar.....

April, april, april....

To sum up the month of April....rain, rain go away, come again maybe in a couple months?!? It has been a dreary, dreary month...of nothing much but cold weather, mud, rain, ANNNNND snow...yes you read correctly snow....that lovely white stuff that falls in cold temperatures...thank you thank you mother nature...

But today the sun is shining and no rain...and you can tell that peeps needed it...peeps are starting to smile again, and there is this strange sound that is coming out of some folks...think it's been rumored to be a thing called laughter....

Since there has been so much rain, and the backyard is resembling more of a mosh pit than yard of newly sprouts of grass I am twitching and impatiently waiting to get out and till...yes till...a spot for a GARDEN...to say I'm excited is an understatement, I could pee my pants I'm that excited to plant this damn thing....now we should be very clear on the fact, that yes I did grow up on a farm...no I have no green thumb....vegetables have mercy because there is going to be a large abundance of miracle grow, fertilizer (if there's a difference from the miracle grow??) and prays said to get this baby going....

Trust me, I will be the proud parent and post some pictures of my inspiring garden...I'm pretty sure you all can not wait for this and will anxiously be awaiting.....

So we will wait for the yard to dry and look forward to May, may, may.....

364

Yes folks you read it right.....364

That's 364 days that have gone by....tomorrow will mark 365.....and Saturday will mark 366....

You may ask why count or why think about this....why look at it like that, when I preach and preach about moving forward...think forward...don't look back....

In a way I contradict myself....ok, I a lot contradict myself...hellllooooo, do you not read my prior posts?!?

I have moved on....I do look forward, but I'm always reminded of my past year....I'm such a different person....at times I like the person and at other times I wonder where the hell or who the hell I really am....

Am I just now this cookie cutter of a person trying to be this perfect human being....trying to make sure others are happy and am I really happy? or am I just convincing myself daily that this is what I begged for...this is what I wanted....

but am I happy....

I am happy in different ways....

I am satisfied in different ways.....

I am stronger in many ways....

I know this post is a lot of rambles and not much is going to make sense.....but I have a lot jumbled up in this noggin of mine.....

I want the next 364 days to be different....

I know life brings stress, but I want to be as carefree, drama free as possible....I want to plan weekend getaways, and getaway....I want to enjoy my kids and really enjoy them....I want to hear them tell me stories and actually hear the story....

After today's post the mood of this blog is changing...the "type" if there ever has been a type will be different....

I'm moving on from the past and going to be only talking about the good and the now....

Soooo, I know my 1 or 2 readers...this is what you have to look forward too....more blogging and talks of puppy tails, rainbows and fluffy clouds....

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Gives so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

Gone but not forgotten....

I know...I know....I am a horrible blogger....to my small crowd of readers, I apologize......

There has been many times that I have gone here to jibber jabber my random thoughts of chaos....to type away when I have had some tears....to share a smile or two that have come across my face.....but I haven't.....I have been a ghost lately when it comes to this site.....

I think for the simplicity of it all, I have just wanted to disappear....I would still love to disappear, to have a vacation from it all....but then what? Just not face adulthood?? Not face my problems??? Doesn't work that way missy.....you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up and move on...think forward and work on your problems, mistakes, and relationships.....

I will say for the record that I have become a shitty friend....and I apologize to my friends....I really haven't been that great....and I promise to you all that I will work on my ways.....sometimes I find solitude the best remedy for me and I forget that I'm not the only one in the picture, that my friends deserve answers....they deserve call backs....they deserve that response of an email or text....again, sorry amigos....I will not be an ass anymore....

We are now into 2011....last January I started this wonderful, bubbly (sarcasm) blog....before the fall of Rome (that's what I call it)

It's a new year....and I'm welcoming it....thinking positive, thinking I'm grateful.....thinking I need to relax more, care less of little things that don't' need to consume my thoughts and days.....worry about the ones that love me and that I love, and the rest will fall into place.....

The past is the past.....and for that - AMEN - but even with saying that.....it may be gone, but it's still not forgotten.....