Truce.....

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you..... - Christian D. Larson

I found this saying and to say I think its grand is an understatement.....I've read it...re-read it and I'm still finding different and wonderful messages from it....

Im here...Im me....I am what I am going to be......calling a truce with myself....No more days of being knocked down....Im up and Im staying up....this girl is back....finally I think Im back.....

Somewhere over the rainbow.....

Right now I'm not sure how I feel....first off I'm tired.....very tired, both physically and mentally, and I'm wanting my roller coaster of emotions to stop.....

I love my husband....love my husband.....but why does this thing called "marriage" have to be so difficult....why does it have to be so heartbreaking at moments, to the point where your chest literally feels like it's about to burst with hurt and pain....then at another moment your chest feels like bursting with love....

An instruction booklet with answers and guides would have been wonderful to have....not just wonderful....essential to have....the constant doubt, confusion would dissolve away...leaving me the perfect wife, with the perfect husband and perfect kids....wouldn't la la land be great....but I know that's not reality, I know that it's not possible....but I do know that loving and having a happy healthy marriage even with non perfect wife and non perfect husband is feasible...it can be done....and damn-it I will make it happen....

Difference a Day Makes.....

I did have a post yesterday......but I got sidetracked and didn't get a chance to finish it and put it up....it was a good post....have a feeling it will be better than this post...

So I vent:
Right now I'm pissed....ok maybe not pissed....yeah I'm pissed, I'm hurt, I'm frustrated....I just want to scream.....think that's the best explanation....I want to scream.

Should I be writing right now...prolly not....will I write again later and be in a better mood...hope so....

Why do things have to be difficult...they don't right?! They shouldn't be....why does it feel like some days I'm drowning and other days the world is good...

I feel like I'm running a race that I can't win nor is there a finish line......where the hell is the finish line.....

Good Day Feeling

It's Friday....it's sunny.....what could be better?!? Oh wait, it DOES get better...I get to have all my kiddo's running around this weekend, have to love the entertainment that the crazy brady bunch can bring you.....

Plus, I feel good...very good, possibly great....and that has been a feeling I've been wanting back for awhile.....things in my world seem to be aligning finally and I see the light at the end of the tunnel..

Focus for today, tomorrow and going forth is to keep this energy, keep this feeling....some of you normal peeps may think this is a no brainer....but for me this is a task that I need to tend to until it comes oh so natural....and trust me that day will come

So happy Friday to you all.....hopefully Monday's report is a good one....wait....no it will be, it will be a GREAT one....

Project Rock Star

I've come to a conclusion....not an easy one, but none the less a conclusion.....I need to suck it up.

I need to stop thinking about others....not like in a "oh I so don't care about you" way, but thinking about what others think of me, what others are doing, what others are saying about me....who cares? It's not helping me to worry about what others think about me, besides my family, why would or should I care? I've said this before and have failed on this mission.....I let others get into my head and I've fallen for their childish games and played right into what they wanted, making me look like the jealous ass in the end.....

My self-esteem has taken so many hits in the past, no excuse for why I've acted or reacted to situations....because as I have learned I can be my best friend or my worst enemy....it's my decision to let what is said or done affect me...good, bad, ugly....I have the choice

So today....Wednesday March 3rd....I'm announcing it.....I am choosing to be a Rockstar....I am done with petty, insecure feelings, not to say that i won't have the "urge" or the tug to want to know what others are doing or saying....but I'm choosing to take the high road, and live my life....Live MY life...no one elses. I have found me, and I like me....I'm nothing like what I was or where I was going, I'm better....I'm stronger.....because not to toot my own horn but this is what I know...I'm beautiful, I'm kind, I'm funny, I'm witty and I have so much to offer to the world......I'm no longer the fool, I'm no longer "that girl" I'm a ROCKSTAR.....

From a wise, wise friend....."Life is really short. You need to do whatever you need to do to be happy!”

Right here waiting......

forgive
-gives, -giving, -gave, -given
1. to cease to blame or hold resentment against (someone or something)
2. to grant pardon for (a mistake, wrongdoing, etc.)
3. (tr) to free or pardon (someone) from penalty
4. (tr) to free from the obligation of (a debt, payment, etc.)
forgivable adj
forgivably adv
forgiver n

The weather is warming up outside which is a great thing. To say that I need sun, warmth, positive signs of energy is an understatement. My month of February has been shit....not going to sugar coat it, it has been hell. My life as I have known it was taken from me and turned into something that I had no control over to where I was at a state of confusion, frustration, anger, happiness, love and any other emotion in a big mumble jumble mess.....my heart and my brain no longer are on the same page I don't believe.

This blog was created for a reason.....it was created before my life got to this point.....it was here to start "talking" or maybe better yet venting. I was trying to get my thoughts out that I couldn't seem to speak to make others understand me....I would talk but the one I wanted to listen didn't get it...or maybe to me it seemed that he didn't care to get it.

Then came February.....I've never been at such a loss in my life.....the lows just kept coming, and coming....it was such a horrid dream, I just wanted to wake up.

Was the whole month that bad you ask? Yes, yes it was.

Did I learn anything from this past month. Yes, yes I did.

A lot in fact....I learned a lot. Good, bad - I learned a lot. The bad was that I had to face that I can't run away from my issues or fears, that I have to face them and own up to my problems or the word I like to use is my "imperfections". I have lied to someone, I have loved and hurt them. Were they big lies, were they little lies....doesn't matter I lied. I teach my children that lying is not ok, you can't lie, it's bad...yet I did it. Seemed so innocent at the time, seemed so easy, not easy as in I was trying to get away with something, but easy as in I was safe. No excuses....to say I've apologized for my wrong doings is an understatement....I have groveled, pleaded and thrown myself at the mercy of the jury to forgive me and to move on. The jury is still out.....the judge is unwilling at this point to move on, he is still focused on the negative past and the lies that hurt him. So I wait.....

Now you have to be curious as to what good I could have learned......the good is that I'm not a bad person....I'm not a horrible compulsive liar. Yes I did something wrong...is it unforgivable, hell no, I didn't cheat, I didn't gamble away all of our money -it was a lie. The good that I learned was that I was lost, I didn't know what direction I needed, I didn't know what was the way to be. My heart, my soul has been hurt many times, it has many scars that are ugly....my trust in people has killed many many relationships and I had a horrible pattern of explosive temperaments, attitude filled tantrums and the whole victim syndrome....the good thing that I learned is that I'm not a victim, I'm not a tantrum filled bitch, and I don't need to throw my temper around.....I do have control, I have control of my feelings and how I want to handle a situation....I have the power to make me the best me I can be.....no one can tell me I'm a piece of shit, no one can tell me that I am not worth anything....no one....because the good thing that I learned this past month is that I'm not perfect, but I'm valuable......extremely valuable...

What's not to love.....

Rock bottom, how does a person define those simple two words? Do you look at rock bottom as in there is no where to go but up or do you look at rock bottom as "oh shit....I'm doomed"

I've hit rock bottom....I've hit it and I've been trying to slowly crawl, climb, inch my way back into this world and look for forgiveness. Which by the way, I have learned to look at in a different way also.....how is it when you love someone so much and all you seek is that simple emotion of forgiveness, and you get nothing.....you get anger, frustration and hurt shoved at you. Is forgiveness that hard for some people, or am I just too easy to forgive others?

They say time helps....time heals all wounds.....I'm baffled by that also.....I'm not a believer.....I think some people choose to live in misery, they choose to be the victim, they choose their happiness.

So I've started wondering in the past weeks as my life has spiraled down like an airplane crashing to the ground.....am I lovable? Can I be loved?

I sit here and think of these positive points of what I offer and what can be loved about me:

1. My heart....I always mean well, even if it's the craziest thing at the moment, my heart is always in the right place...I'm unfortunately a people pleaser and just want to make everyone happy, some call it gullible, some call it horrible....I just want to think of it as something someone could love...



2. My friendship....I'm always here for my friends, always



3. My mothering skills.....I'm not perfect but I love the hell out of my kids, and I would do anything and everything for them....they are me, they are the best of me.



4. My strength...I feel weaker than shit right now, but Lord knows I have been through worse situations and I have always came out stronger.....



5. Responsibility.....I have a shit load.....anyone, could please please take some from me at anytime, I have taken on some situations that are not even mine, but I take them on....when someone needs me, I have to help them



6. Loyalty....maybe this goes in with friendship?!? Don't know but I'm loyal to my friends, family, husband......they are my world



7. Ownership....this may sound weird, but yes ownership....I own up to my mistakes, my fuck ups, my issues....



8. My recovery.....this process is just starting, but I feel that yes it is something to love about me....I'm trying, I have my heart on my sleeve, and I'm trying to make things right...even when I'm feeling like a huge doormat.....I'm trying


9. My Laugh....yes, my laugh....it's simple, it's pure, it's heartfelt...

So right now there are 9 reasons.....I'm hoping/sure that there are more reasons...just tough when your down and trying to climb back up.......but trust me (ha ha....) no really trust me...because I'm here...I'm starting over, and I'm going to love myself, even if there are only 9 reasons, because hell what's not to love?......