Been thinking....

So I'm still going thru the motions and emotions...I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do....

I'm like a yo yo...I'm up then I'm down...

I know I don't have to be happy and I know that I don't have to be sad...I just don't know right now how to be "normal"

I think about what my friend told me then I think about what my counselor had said....I can't be the only one....and then I remember the fourth and how easy I was once again to be thrown away...

I just don't know...

Time will be good I guess...

I've done all I can do, now I just have to sit and wait...and there is nothing I can do or say to change anything or fix anything....

I can't change feelings...
I can't make feelings different....

I guess I'm just not liking the uncertainty of my future...of what's to come...

I think what I should do is stop thinking all the time....

Just be...

Let it be...

How I feel

I know this isn't too tricky after knowing how depressing my blog seems to be...but hell this is where I do come when I hurt...Writing to me is my therapy and it makes me get it all out for the moment...Kinda like vomiting and you know it will make you feel better....great great visual...

Anywho back to the main event....How I feel....

Confused...as in a couple different ways...the whole crazy way of over thinking if people are telling me things or making me feel one way just so others benefit from my actions...To believe or not believe basically is what I need to think about...Do I think that someone is genuinely missing me or is it an act to make me feel a way so they come out shining....

Sad...of course sad...when isn't that one thrown in there...I'm sad a lot right now...my heart hurts...but is it because I love or I'm lonely...is it because I'm so confused on what the hell is going on...I'm thinking so...There is no closure, there is no answers, there is nothing....

Lack of control....this one is for a couple different items...I feel this because I can not control my sadness and I can not control my thoughts or the situation that I am in....I have time on my hands and I do not like it....maybe if I was in the Bahamas or something I would love it...but nope....I'm here...dealing with....I don't even know what to call it...

Pissed...This just started today...who knows it may be a good friend of mine...anger maybe my new friend...

Loneliness...obviously....

I'm just here....I feel so disconnected in so many ways...I don't want to be on my phone...I don't want to surf the web...I don't know what I want to do...

I was pissed off earlier talking to a friend...I understand them yelling at me and telling me to suck it up...I understand people that are frustrated with me...I can't help any of it...I can if I was deeply sedated or away from this mess...but you know what...when I came back there would still be this mess...there would still be this emptiness...

That's one I almost forgot...emptiness... I feel like a dark empty hole...

I want to be happy...
I want to smile...

I want to love and be loved with everything someone has...no holding back...

That's all I want...

Yesterdays

Days of change.....

4th of July was a real bang....it really was....

You never know how your day is going to end...If you did think of how much you could change....what would you say if you knew it could or would be your last thing that you would say to someone you loved....Would or wouldn't you change your actions.....

I always say everything happens for a reason....and it's crazy...I never ever would have fought this....I would never question it... but I am....think its because my heart hurts so much...

yet again

I'm here with my heart exploding and my mind racing....

I guess i'm here for a reason...I have to feel this for a reason...

A lesson learned...

I'm so confused, I'm so crushed....I know why I just don't know how to handle all of this....

I love big, I love huge....I'm guessing I love dumb...

All I want to do is cry....
All I want to do is sleep....
All I want to do is change how I feel and stop this all...

I don't understand....

I can't understand...

The why's hurt and the why not's hurt more....

I'm here today...

Today....
Tomorrow....

But what I really want is the yesterdays....

I want the yesterdays.....

inside out...

I've lacked on the presence here....and I apologize...I've just lacked on writing material and I didn't want to be all "oh my life sucks" on ya all.....

So I'm back to writing.....not promising that what i have is oh so show stopping but hell it's all I got....

What I'm realizing lately....a couple things...

First off what I'm realizing is I am strong...I am tough....but every time I grow a pair I chicken out....I have no clue why....it's like a need a huge storm to happen to make me feel better, but why? why should I need that when I'm so full of nothing....zero respect, zero support, zero love....I have nothing nor am I giving anymore....Oh yeah you just read that right....I have stopped...the bullshit of not getting anything for all that I am giving has been stopped....It's really not a rocket science thing - it's just a realization that something has to start.....even if it is tiny tiny baby steps something has to start changing in my circle of nothing....

Another thing I'm realizing...life is odd....everyday is a new day and every corner that you turn it's a whole new experience and change....there are signs.... yes I did just say that....I do believe that there are signs.... I just think we are all either too busy or just not a believer in what is around us...

I do believe in happily ever after....I may not have found this piece of my life yet, but that doesn't mean that I'm giving up on it either....

Confrustion.....

Yes my friends this is a word....it is in the world and realm between confusion and frustration....also know as confrustion.....

Have you ever wanted to take back steps, actions, days, times.....anything....just take it back and start it over again....or wonder if you knew what was lying ahead that you dare not venture off the beaten path or you change the course in which you were going.....

Do you wonder that if you were given the chance would you do this or would you just not want to know....

I wonder many days and think too much....i think we all can agree on this....i worry or misplace sometimes what I should really be worrying about or what I should really be caring about....

I think this has a lot to do with unhappiness...

Oddly i don't believe I'm a unhappy person....

I think on different levels I am happy....it's just trying to get that whole feeling....like waiting for the stars, moon and sun to align perfectly or whatever that comet to happen right in front of me....

Silly i know....

I just want to let it all out and get a new fresh book....a new fresh life...but not to start over to start now.....I want my little minions in this mixture so I can't go back too far....

I'm just confused....

I'm just frustrated....

Hence confrustion....

Things I Remember.....

I remember preschool....calling my teacher mrs. coffepot because her last name was maxwell and to me that was funny or made sense....our treasure box that I would sneak toys out of (only once or twice)..... standing behind the wall and comparing under shirts with my friend Wade.....and Ben, who at that point was the love of my life, leaving..moving...it was devastating to a 5 year old.....

I remember playing at recess during elementary and being so carefree...building "houses" by scraping the rocks and sand from the ground to have walls/rooms and to see who had the best house and then cry when the older kids ruined it by running through or other grades taking over my prized possession.....

I remember playing twister on the swings....over and over running out after lunch as fast as you could to get the "right" side of the swing set with the "perfect" swings....and always having Teresa being the one to go around since she was the heaviest and that way you could fly super high (sorry Teresa)

I remember bloody noses at school and mom having to come to bring me new shirts

I remember my aunt being the school nurse and not getting away with any fake illness

I remember the psycho that I had to deal with from 4th grade to 7th grade....the numerous plots to push my in front of a truck at recess to taking the knife to carve pumpkins and chase me....thank you Kim for all the numerous counseling sessions and indoor recesses....they were solid...nooooootttttttt

I remember playing with my brother....always playing with him....dressing him up as a girl....making him drink odd drinks....torturing him....good times....

I remember making forts in the grove....either with fallen trees or the old sheds....I would stay out for hours playing by myself....I loved pretending, imagining my world out there.....

I remember getting chased up the tree by our dumb black cow and being stuck there for hours....

I remember going to farm auctions, animal auctions with my dad and not understanding what the hell we were doing.....

I remember my dad buying us kids all bottle lambs....mine was LB (lovable baby) my brothers was Nigger Lips (seriously not being racist he was 5) and my sisters was Blondie....

I remember going to the 80 all the time....our name for our old house that was on 80 acres of land....first there was a house, a garage and sheds....then one by one there was nothing.....and it was here that I stepped out of the corn crib and stepped right into a huge pile of rotten beans...I was forced to ride in the back of the pick-up because of how horrid I smelled....I never knew they smelled that horrible....

I remember babysitters that would take us fun places.....

I remember babysitters that I wished would go places far far away and never babysit again....

I remember fighting with my sister....always....

I remember always having to do chores....

I remember having to ride the bus and hate it....but loved it when cute Craig rode the bus....

I remember the exotic chickens that my dad bought and wondered why do we want more chickens to raise when we have to gather eggs for 8,000 chickens that we already have......

I remember butchering chickens....seriously what child needs that as a trait....a farm kid that's who.....

I remember go carts, riding beans, lazy summer afternoons, playing with cousins, swimming at lakes, fishing with my dad and grandpa, and baking with my mom.....

I remember how simple things were.....

I remember how much I took for granted and do take for granted.....

Who are ya baby....

Yes winter is here and I can seriously, honestly say.....I hate winter......

Yes if you are that superwomen/man and embrace all seasons you could look forward to pulling out the sleds and taking the kiddos down the hills...building snowmen, making the glorious snow angels in your front yard....but I'm going to be honest.....I hate winter.....i hate having to get all bundled up to just go outside....and guaranteed if I don't have to piss within the first 10 minutes of being locked into my snow pants, three pairs of pants, thermal underwear and some over sized parka that is zipped closed with a mile long scarf wrapped 10 times around my neck...I am the one who finds some sort of water/wet spot/or the one ray of sunshine that will soak all of my garments.....it's nice....and fun...

I do like snow days...love them...and I'm not being sarcastic about this one....who doesn't love getting locked away, and knowing you have the excuse that you don't have to do anything....that I love....but for some reason the storm sets in on Friday night and by Sunday night it's all clear and you are free to carry on life as usual on Monday.....really we need to work on this.....I'm all for Monday night storms and all clear by lets say Thursday'ish....one day work week for the all the extra shoveling/scraping/thawing seems practical to me....let's make it happen this season....

I went to a fabulous seminar on Friday....it really was a great seminar, for what I was suppose to be there for took a whole new swing when the speaker spoke of areas that I never really took to heart, or I hear and think of but I never take action on.....goals, expectations....all that deep stuff....I'm all about it....I'm a starter but not a finisher and for once I'd like to actually be held accountable and finish it all....make a goal, or say what I mean/want and actually go all the way....not be that procrastinator that I know and love...but to have a goal, work for it and do it....Nike would love me for all the energy and aspirations that I have right now....

I don't know about anyone else but i have found that I mold myself to something I'm not...I'm a pleaser....I eat things I don't want....i speak up when it's nothing at all but when i want something I go mute.....I want to get along with people, but then I bitch, moan and complain that I give in when in all reality it's my fault.....i don't have to be every ones pleaser....I can eat Chinese if I'm hungry for Chinese.....

I'm not going to announce any drastic statements....I'm just on a mission to figure myself....so I don't have to ask....who are ya baby.....