Here it goes...

A week ago Monday my life changed....

The way I think won't be the same...

I know everyone goes through pain, hurt, confusion, guilt and sorrow in their life....

I know you don't get someone back no matter how hard you want or pray....

I wrote a story last Thursday morning...October 6th and read it to a crowd of around 200...I never once looked up into that crowd....when I was finished I had many people come up to me and tell me how proud they were, or how strong I was.....I didn't feel strong....I didn't feel one thing....

I thought I was moody before....oh dear Lord, my emotions and moodiness has me believing that I need to find a padded cell and a straight jacket for myself some days just so I don't hurt anyone....oh and if by the chance of one in a million Amanda from Family Festival Films who was the telemarketer that called last Friday to my parents house...I'm still not sorry that I called you a fucking bitch....seriously if any of you that know me reading this thought I was going to apologize, shame on you.....Amanda was a serious bitch and deserved all the yelling that I gave to her and yes when I did talk to her manager and asked for her to be fired....I meant it....and still do....that girl needs some serious compassion lessons in life.....

i will post my speech later...it was a great tribute....

It was to my father....

It was for my father....

It was to the man that has yelled at me, loved me unconditionally, and has taught me everything that I know...

It was to the man that I would give anything to hear his voice again....

To have one last hug....

To know he was just there for me....

To say I miss him is an understatement and it's only been 9 days...216 hours....12,960 minutes....777,600 seconds....

I want my dad back and no one can do that for me....no one can make it easier for me....

I'm here now without you dad....and you know I love you so much....life isn't stopping.....pain isn't ceasing....but I know in time it will....I have to keep thinking of all the good memories....making your coffee.....and making today worth every minute....so here it goes....

Damned if I do....

you know the saying....you know how it goes....you're damned if you do and damned if you don't....it's really a no win situation....and you have to think and feel, really? really?? or at least that's what I say....

Conversations are always great, but mean really nothing if you don't have communication...this my folks is the key word....communication...don't be afraid y'all say it with me....communication...you can talk, you can have conversations, hell you can do a lot but with out the whole communication component it's just really all bullshit...For instance (and I know you all love my whole little scenarios I throw out here) you can be in the same room with someone and be talking to them for a good hour and feel like you got a lot talked thru and your at a good point...then to only have the next day a series of text messages full of resentment and anger towards you and you sit there going wtf?? Did we not just have a great night? Again communication....you see some people just don't get it...they don't want to hear or listen to others, they have the victim syndrome...which by the way i have had....seriously I have and it sucks so I physically pulled my head out of my ass and told myself that the world owed me nothing and I had to buck up and move on....but i can't answer for the rest of you....and I can't answer for the ones that say they are listening only to learn that they only want to hear or feel what they want and need...

Can ya tell I'm having a day??

I don't know....really I don't....life really shouldn't feel this emotional all the damn time...it's like it's a daytime soap opera stuck on the worst episodes over and over....and the only point I've gotten so far outta all of this is I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't....

Come what may...

Dear 2 readers.....

I apologize for my tardiness and nonexistence from my blogging....no excuse that I actually do have to do that "work" thing that is so overrated....seriously who wants to spend 8 hours out of the day working....not too many people that I know....I would like to meet the person who invented the "work week"......really, I mean really... you thought we needed a WEEK to work and 2 days to relax and have fun?? It had to be a man.....not really thinking the whole thing through....because a women would have probably switched it up a bit to make a little more sense and life a little less stressful....

Anywho!

It's Friday....

It's nice out......

It's Friday.....

It's near drinking time....

It's Friday....

So you have to think positive and have on happy pants for just that reason....I really wish I would have been proactive and took a little bit more vacation time...but since fall is my favorites of seasons maybe I'll just gorge myself when the cool weather comes....

oh and my life of turmoil, confusion, twists, turns, separation of right and wrong, anxiety, sadness, happiness and all of those other thoughts and feelings thrown in are all still there....life is still a little bundle of what the flock will happen today but hell, realizing that you have it to wake up to and taking the good with the bad and always remembering that the best thing of today is it's a new day....it's a new choice....it's always a new start....so come what may....

WTF....well that's fantastic...

Well happy Friday ya'll....it's hot, humid and very uncomfortable, did I also mention it's 7:12 in the morning...oh and that it's hot?

Besides the fact that it's summer finally, can I get an amen, it has now turned from blessed cool temps with rain to the inferno heat that takes your breath away when you enter the wonderful outdoors..but I'll take it...it means that seasons are once again changing and before you know it I'll be bitching that it's cold....

SO...to get on my happy pants for once (I truly am a happy person...I really am...I'm fun times even tho this blog does make me seem to be a huge depressed debbie downer) I wanted to go through my likes and loves....

1. my kids...duh...that's an easy one for the simple fact that they are nothing short of amazing and God bless the best kids in the world....even when they whine, fight, want my money or even don't listen to simple instructions...I thank God everyday for those wonderful creatures....and the best feature is they are now self-serve for food and watering....

2. Soda...I love my diet coke or coke zero....kinda addicted to it....i keep saying I'm going to quit....I should quit ....

3. McDonalds fries...oh how I love thee....super size those bastards please....end of story

4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzards....really do I have to explain why I love this wonderful concoction?

5. Breakfast...I really really love breakfast....like really...all of it...wait I take that back, I'm really not a sausage girl...so please if you are going to be making me breakfast in bed or breakfast at all for that matter hold the sausage....

6. Sleeping in or sleeping period with the rain....nothing is more relaxing than going to bed with rain tapping on the window or the roof....love it...

7. Watching the stars....give me a blanket and a great summers night and I'm a happy girl...

8. Ms. pacman...I rule...period....

9. Camping...anytime you can go days without showering and consider it the norm you really can't go wrong...eating cheeseburgers for breakfast, dinner and supper...beer is the staple beverage for breakfast, dinner and supper....that's a good time....

10. My friends and family...they are the bomb...my sister....oooooh my sister...that women has listened to me ramble, rant, cry, sob, scream...you name it...and told me how I'm this amazing person every time I feel like I'm nothing and I'm at my weakest point, she has worried over me more than a sister ever should...I have a cousin who is the most amazing friend I could ever have....I pretty much have him as my brother....we don't need to talk everyday..hell we can go months without talking, but he's always there, he's always been there and I'm blessed to have him....my parents, where to start...we haven't always gotten along who doesn't at times but they are there through thick and thin...every disappointment, every tear, every laugh...they are there....and my friends...I really don't have a lot of "close" friends anymore...which stinks since i used to have a lot...I've kinda secluded myself away from the world, but the true friends I know that I still have, I know I can ask them for anything and they would be there in a heartbeat....

so see...I'm not all gloom and doom...here's to a great weekend....

That was then....this is now....

So folks....here is the situation....

As many of you (I'd like to think that I have a large reading base so please play along with me) know I have had a shitty year...shouldn't say shitty shitty but a pretty dog gone not good year...I've been left alone, or left while others decided if I was what they wanted and during this time I was certain....no I was positive that this was what I wanted, this person was worth every little bit of stress, pain and heartbreak that I was going through....I felt alone, I felt that no one knew me like this person...no one would ever want someone as broken as me.....

Fast forward a bit....

He's back...he says he's sorry....he says he loves me....yet I don't feel like I did....I have so many resentment issues I want to scream....

Trust is gone....hurt is in its place

Faith is gone....doubt is in its place

And i wonder....I wonder everyday and night what I'm doing....why I'm doing what I'm doing....is it because I fought for you for so long...I wanted to fix what was broken...but now all that is broken is me....all that is still hurt and confused is me...

No pity party needed...I'm doing it and have done it to myself....so yes I know suck it up stop bitching and do what needs to be done to be happy...new chapter....

I never had doubt....I never wondered how I felt....

That was then....this is now.....

When you feel like...

Maybe it's me....which could very easily be...but there are times, days, moments, hours, seconds...you get the vibe I'm trying to throw at you....but I have these times where I have these feelings....

Sometimes I feel like it's me against the world....I have no one in my corner, and I'm fighting with everyone around me and there is the word "sane" doesn't seem to exist in any ones vocab....where the tears are streaming down my face because the frustration that is overwhelming me is too much to bare....where my voice is drowned by the snowball effect of one person hating/disliking the other and I'm in the middle and no matter what I say or do it's the wrong thing to say or do.....

then - oh but then....there are times where i feel like I have the world....I am victorious - I can have it all....and I know that I do have it all...everything falls into the proper place....everyone is civil to the next person....no one wants to fight....people choose their battles and realize that really it's all not that important to be the head honcho....

Sometimes i just feel ok....which is ok.....

Sometimes i just feel mad....which is also ok.....as long as I don't kick the dog, attack anyone or harm anything....which hasn't happened so I'm thinking my craziness isn't conflicted with anger management....whooh!

And today? oooooh today.....my favorite...insert sarcasm.....confusion....Confused.....conflustered....you get the point....when you feel like your lost....or just in a floating dream of mixed sorts of reality and fiction.....when you can dream up what you want the scenario to play out, but wonder if it will.....and the fog just isn't lifting.....

Oh you damn fog.....

Oh you damn heart.....

Oh you damn heart.....

I'm thinking buying that country cd wasn't the best pick me up this weekend....I'm going to have to go for maybe some Alanis.....insert sarcasm....

So I lied.....

I had mentioned...or I had said that yes, yes I was done talking about the past and I wanted to move on and only talk about rainbows, puppy dogs, and sunshine....I lied - and I apologize right now....

I'm going to talk about it....

Not saying I need to, or I have to....

I want to...

When there are crossroads in your life and you have no one but a wall to talk to at times...or you scramble to find your sanity and pray that you are keeping it together...i remembered how much this helped me....how pouring my gut wrenching, crazy ramblings onto to this page helped....it helped me think it through and it helped me feel better....it made me feel like I had someone to talk to....that I had someone who listened to me...

I felt sane....

I felt better.....

Now I'm not saying that i'm insane right now, or sad....I just have a lot of emotions built up in me....Thoughts that are here that are trapped.....

I wonder when and who it takes to make the past go away...or ill feelings disappear....Do you have to move on in order to make it go away or is that just running away from your problems? Do you build up more resentment even though you tell yourself that you don't resent someone?

I would say I know those answers, but I don't

I would say that I'm happy - but I'm not

I would say that I know what to do, but I don't

I want love

Better yet, i want to feel love....kinda like someone feels the sunshine on a sunny day...

So I guess I did talk about sunshine....not a total liar.....