you go girl....

so here I....am....

funny how life is so unpredictable...but yet amazings...

lots of changes...

New job, kids growing up, moved a couple times and have moved on from my broken heart...

What was that?!???

yeah, I have closed the chapter, I have started to move on from my broken heart....

Doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt

Doesn't mean I still don't miss the asshole...

What it does mean is I have now stopped thinking or wanting that...

Which folks is huge...

Now if I can ever get time in my social life....that would be awesome...

But for now...

You go girl...

New........

There is nothing really to say.....its a new year and yes I said this before, but yes it's a different year.

I've finally changed.

I've finally done it....

I'm finally me...

I am one....

And it feels amazing....

ipso - facto

'ip·so fac·to

ˈipsō ˈfaktō/

 

adverb: ipso facto

 

by that very fact or act.

"the enemy of one's enemy may be ipso facto a friend"

 

 

 

So let's begin here.....there are things in life that you plan, expect or predict....sometimes good and sometimes bad....I'm the type that has had a hard time dealing with "control".....

 

I hate not feeling like I have control of the situation.....

I hate not feeling like I have control of the emotion....

 

It's a roller coaster at times....

 

For example.....My daughter went to college...knew it was going to happen (planned) knew it was going to be tough and I would bawl like a baby (expected) and I knew that she would love it (predicted)......and it's all good so far....but yet it's hard to let go of she's my baby....she's part third of my world and it's hard to not have that everyday say so of her life....

 

Things in my life are changing.....and it's good changes but it's just some changes that I can't control and I wish to hell I would know how to handle some of the situations better....so  I don't just throw up my every thought at times....or that I would tell my thoughts better at times.....

 

Life is changing

Feelings are changing

 

Ipso facto

Times of the new......

Dear One Reader......

Soooooo......it's been a little bit....not too long like it sometimes has been but a little bit.....

Words to the wise....and I have some instructions for you....yes me with the FUCKED up life and the worse, I can say the WORST judgement e-va.....yes me....I have some instructions for you....

Number One....Love you....be you....I found this out too late...when that person that you love is with you and they can't or won't love you for who you are or what you are.....it's not love it's control...it's them wanting something that's not you....BE YOU.....

Number Two....Don't fix don't be a fixer....Leave that fucking bullshit to Bob the Builder or to Wreck it Ralph's sidekick Felix the Fixer.....It's not that difficult to love someone....it's not.....it's not rocket science, you love someone....it's simple...it's pure...it's nonjudgemental.....that's what true love is....it just happens.....

Number Three...Be happy....simple...happy....you need to not have to make anyone happy but you....it's about being equal and not having to just please one....it's a team thing....

And it happened....

So it happened.....

It finally happened....

Thru all the damn tears, the months of waiting, the hours wasted......it happened.....

I let go....

I know to my maybe one or two readers you're throwing the bullshit flag on this, but it truly happened.....

It's official.....


I stayed too long, I fought too hard, I cried too much, I ruined way too many friendships, I hurt a lot of people.....for what? For someone who threw me away like garbage and I had some mission that I would make him love me....make him think I was of value......


It wasn't him.....

I didn't need him.....

I needed me....

And it was hard to find me after a lot of years of emotional, verbal and some physical abuse....but I found me....

It didn't happen over night....or even in days....it took a long....lloooooooooonnnngggg time for me to get it...to realize that I needed no one but me....I have to love me, I have to think I'm of value....not him....me.....

I'm good....
I'm happy....

I smile now....quite a bit actually....

I laugh more....

I only cry at sappy movies....

I love my children more....

I'm good....
I'm happy....

It happened....

Pieces of me.....

There are moments in your life when you think you can take it all....you think that you are that superwoman that can reflect any negativity that comes your way...you think that you can take all the hurt, the pain, the bit by bit of your last strength taken from you....you think that in your mind you got this....you can handle it....you can make it better....

There are moments in your life when solitude is magical and golden....when silence isn't just what you want, it's what you need....the silence and loneliness isn't to seclude you, it's to protect you in some form you feel....to help you rebuild, to help you get those walls back up that have crumbled down...now don't get me wrong...loneliness is a bitch...but sometimes it's needed...needed for clarity and needed for peace....

There are moments in your life when it feels like too much....when you want to never get out of your bed and when you have no motivation to shower, eat let alone get out of those damn clothes that are now matted on your body and could stand on their own.....

Love to me, is so ugly right now....

Love to me besides with my children is unthinkable....

I've lost faith...
I've lost hope...
I'm lost....

I let it happen....

I let him take the last pieces of me....

Descisions

When one has decisions to make in their life, you rely on advice....you rely on others to help you out....

Now let's just say you have some outspoken folks, some quiet folks and some folks who don't know what the fuck they are telling you....they just want to splurt whatever is on their mind and don't care about feelings or even if it's making sense.....

I understand peoples points.....

I understand peoples outlooks....

What I don't understand is how on God's green earth someone can tell you "I know how you feel"

How??

How can you know how I feel?

Yes I believe that some people have been in similar situations, and can CERTAINLY give their two cents, and they can "know" partial of the feelings, but I don't think anyone can say " I know how you feel"

Decisions in life can be simple....

Ketchup or mustard...maybe both...or do you go mayo

Salt or pepper

Blue or green

Hot or Cold....

Can go on and on.....

Some decisions in life are not this simple....
Some hurt...
Some make it all better....
Some are temporary
And some are permanent....


When you have someone in your life and you love them...it's a tough thing this love....
Love changes....
Love doesn't always feel like love...

Some people love different than others....and you wonder why or how....