What ifs.....

They say that you live and learn....

I agree with that to certain points....

I agree that you need to learn sometimes first hand how bad your heart can hurt and break before your heart will let someone go.....not saying that it's easy or that there's a magic button that happens over night....oh god I wish it could happen over night......it's a feeling of a lump in your thought 24/7 for the first couple days....I'm not to the next part yet.....

My daughter says she's proud of me....she says that I'm brave and I'm strong....I wish I could feel brave and strong....I feel like a disappointment....

I keep going back to the what ifs....

What if I would have said this...
What if I would have said that...
What if I would have done this...
What if I would have done that...


No what ifs help....

The only what if I can come up with is this....

What if you would have tried....
What if you would have wanted my family...
What if you would have actually cared....
And the most important....

What if you would have actually loved me....


I'm not that bad....
I'm not that horrible.....
I'm not that unlovable...

I'm not....

So I sit here....

What if.....

And you know what....

I will be ok....

I will be loved....

If not by someone, I know that I will always have my children.....

So no more...

Shut the brain down and focus on one day at time....

then new things....

New what ifs...