What ifs.....

They say that you live and learn....

I agree with that to certain points....

I agree that you need to learn sometimes first hand how bad your heart can hurt and break before your heart will let someone go.....not saying that it's easy or that there's a magic button that happens over night....oh god I wish it could happen over night......it's a feeling of a lump in your thought 24/7 for the first couple days....I'm not to the next part yet.....

My daughter says she's proud of me....she says that I'm brave and I'm strong....I wish I could feel brave and strong....I feel like a disappointment....

I keep going back to the what ifs....

What if I would have said this...
What if I would have said that...
What if I would have done this...
What if I would have done that...


No what ifs help....

The only what if I can come up with is this....

What if you would have tried....
What if you would have wanted my family...
What if you would have actually cared....
And the most important....

What if you would have actually loved me....


I'm not that bad....
I'm not that horrible.....
I'm not that unlovable...

I'm not....

So I sit here....

What if.....

And you know what....

I will be ok....

I will be loved....

If not by someone, I know that I will always have my children.....

So no more...

Shut the brain down and focus on one day at time....

then new things....

New what ifs...

And the clock begins to tick....

Well it's time to see what this girl is made out of....

It's time to see what I can do...

It's 12:22 a.m. right now....

I made a deadline of 12:45 a.m....

That's some odd 21 minutes.....

As always, I know what I need to do...

I know what I need period....

What I have right now isn't it....

It's just not....

It's this vicious circle of bullshit that I just can't break or don't want to break...

I'm tired, I'm broken....

Same shit right??

And no one to blame but me....

This is all me....

I let this happen to me...

I let this keep happening...

I never used to be this way...

Something happened or switched that makes no sense....

I don't want to keep being in this world of unhappiness...

I'm tired of being tired, sad, hurt, mad, disappointed, and always always in doubt....never knowing an ounce of truth...never being anything....

I can't be like this anymore...



So I wait...I'm down to 15 minutes....

I can almost predict this ending...exactly 2 years ago, this whole wrong feeling started for the first time...2 years ago....that's a lot of bullshit...a lot of tears.....and too much time wasted on loving the wrong person.....

Loving someone who can't even put me first....
Loving someone who can't realize what they have....
Loving someone who rages in anger......


I'm sitting here waiting....
With tears flowing down my cheeks....

For what?

For nothing.....

For disappointment....
For sadness.....
For more hurt....

I need to be done....
I need to be strong....

I need to find that someone special who will love me....and want to be loved by me....

Who will care about me....

The clock will tick, the seconds will fall....but the hope of him proving me wrong will stay with me till the last granular falls from the hour glass....

Then I can sit here...
Watch the door....

And the clock will continue to tick...

But then for a whole other reason....

Been Awhile....

So what can I say...i'm inconsistent in more ways than one....I haven't been too solid at pouring out my depressing oh so sad life lately...i've taken a break from the doom and gloom....

It's 2013...it's a new year and I've made some goals for myself....my biggest goal is to lose some weight...my fat ass needs to shed more than a pound or two...more like 42 pounds....I would love that....that needs to happen before my bday...that is that short time goal...

Long term goals for 2013...two major ones - first and foremost would be happiness...I will get and be happy with myself and my life....the other major goal is to start saving money...I need to save and have/get a budget...that has to happen...for sizzle...

Changes on the personal side are going on...I will update when things are more solid...that's just a chuckle to even right that..solid...

Maybe since I wrote my goals down now I will feel a sense of some sort of commitment towards them...we will soon see!!!

Been thinking....

So I'm still going thru the motions and emotions...I don't know what to think and I don't know what to do....

I'm like a yo yo...I'm up then I'm down...

I know I don't have to be happy and I know that I don't have to be sad...I just don't know right now how to be "normal"

I think about what my friend told me then I think about what my counselor had said....I can't be the only one....and then I remember the fourth and how easy I was once again to be thrown away...

I just don't know...

Time will be good I guess...

I've done all I can do, now I just have to sit and wait...and there is nothing I can do or say to change anything or fix anything....

I can't change feelings...
I can't make feelings different....

I guess I'm just not liking the uncertainty of my future...of what's to come...

I think what I should do is stop thinking all the time....

Just be...

Let it be...

How I feel

I know this isn't too tricky after knowing how depressing my blog seems to be...but hell this is where I do come when I hurt...Writing to me is my therapy and it makes me get it all out for the moment...Kinda like vomiting and you know it will make you feel better....great great visual...

Anywho back to the main event....How I feel....

Confused...as in a couple different ways...the whole crazy way of over thinking if people are telling me things or making me feel one way just so others benefit from my actions...To believe or not believe basically is what I need to think about...Do I think that someone is genuinely missing me or is it an act to make me feel a way so they come out shining....

Sad...of course sad...when isn't that one thrown in there...I'm sad a lot right now...my heart hurts...but is it because I love or I'm lonely...is it because I'm so confused on what the hell is going on...I'm thinking so...There is no closure, there is no answers, there is nothing....

Lack of control....this one is for a couple different items...I feel this because I can not control my sadness and I can not control my thoughts or the situation that I am in....I have time on my hands and I do not like it....maybe if I was in the Bahamas or something I would love it...but nope....I'm here...dealing with....I don't even know what to call it...

Pissed...This just started today...who knows it may be a good friend of mine...anger maybe my new friend...

Loneliness...obviously....

I'm just here....I feel so disconnected in so many ways...I don't want to be on my phone...I don't want to surf the web...I don't know what I want to do...

I was pissed off earlier talking to a friend...I understand them yelling at me and telling me to suck it up...I understand people that are frustrated with me...I can't help any of it...I can if I was deeply sedated or away from this mess...but you know what...when I came back there would still be this mess...there would still be this emptiness...

That's one I almost forgot...emptiness... I feel like a dark empty hole...

I want to be happy...
I want to smile...

I want to love and be loved with everything someone has...no holding back...

That's all I want...

Yesterdays

Days of change.....

4th of July was a real bang....it really was....

You never know how your day is going to end...If you did think of how much you could change....what would you say if you knew it could or would be your last thing that you would say to someone you loved....Would or wouldn't you change your actions.....

I always say everything happens for a reason....and it's crazy...I never ever would have fought this....I would never question it... but I am....think its because my heart hurts so much...

yet again

I'm here with my heart exploding and my mind racing....

I guess i'm here for a reason...I have to feel this for a reason...

A lesson learned...

I'm so confused, I'm so crushed....I know why I just don't know how to handle all of this....

I love big, I love huge....I'm guessing I love dumb...

All I want to do is cry....
All I want to do is sleep....
All I want to do is change how I feel and stop this all...

I don't understand....

I can't understand...

The why's hurt and the why not's hurt more....

I'm here today...

Today....
Tomorrow....

But what I really want is the yesterdays....

I want the yesterdays.....

inside out...

I've lacked on the presence here....and I apologize...I've just lacked on writing material and I didn't want to be all "oh my life sucks" on ya all.....

So I'm back to writing.....not promising that what i have is oh so show stopping but hell it's all I got....

What I'm realizing lately....a couple things...

First off what I'm realizing is I am strong...I am tough....but every time I grow a pair I chicken out....I have no clue why....it's like a need a huge storm to happen to make me feel better, but why? why should I need that when I'm so full of nothing....zero respect, zero support, zero love....I have nothing nor am I giving anymore....Oh yeah you just read that right....I have stopped...the bullshit of not getting anything for all that I am giving has been stopped....It's really not a rocket science thing - it's just a realization that something has to start.....even if it is tiny tiny baby steps something has to start changing in my circle of nothing....

Another thing I'm realizing...life is odd....everyday is a new day and every corner that you turn it's a whole new experience and change....there are signs.... yes I did just say that....I do believe that there are signs.... I just think we are all either too busy or just not a believer in what is around us...

I do believe in happily ever after....I may not have found this piece of my life yet, but that doesn't mean that I'm giving up on it either....