Tonight has been a night....
I have tried to clear my mind of all thoughts and feelings....and I decided to turn to this...I needed to turn to this to make sense of this hurt that is pouring through me....
I have days where I am ok...where it's all ok...where there is only a ping of pain...then I have days where I'm not ok....where the pain is so tremendous I feel like I am going to collapse.....the tears won't stop....and my heart wants to burst....
It takes one thing....
One memory....
One thought....
And I'm paralyzed with thoughts of you.....
I'm hurting from and for you....
I've never been hurt this bad ever....I've never been in this place....
Morning is going to come....I will have the puffy eyes, red nose and headache and heartache that I carry everyday.....
I will still hurt, but smile....
I will still cry, but hide it....
I will still care, but ignore it....
Tonight....tonight I hurt, tonight I cry and tonight I care....
Tonight....tonight I wish so many things....
it's been a night.....
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Recovery
Recovery….Final Chapter…
Right now I feel as though I’m going through detox…I guess that would be the best way to describe it…going through all the motions and different emotions of getting you out of my system….
I would love to live in denial or the emptiness and not feel anything….not cry…not hurt….but I can’t….I unlike you have feelings….I have compassion and a heart…..
Is it fair of me to say these things of you? Probably not….but that’s how I feel….
For years I have loved you….
For years I have given you everything….
For years I have believed every word that you have said to me…maybe questioned you, but I believed you….
For years…
Four years….
I never thought I would be where I am….I never thought that we would end….through all the fights, the tears, the threats….I never thought it would be final….but I have to understand and realize it has to be….
Crazy….
I feel crazy…I feel like I could laugh, cry, scream, and just curl up and sleep….but most of all cry….go through the motions of the grief…the grief of missing you…missing you talking to me, texting me, laying with me at night….the kisses…gone are the kisses….it just hurts….my heart hurts….
How I loved you so much more and it’s so easy for you to walk away, I will never know….
So now I recover, I go through the motions….I close the book….and I live….
Right now I feel as though I’m going through detox…I guess that would be the best way to describe it…going through all the motions and different emotions of getting you out of my system….
I would love to live in denial or the emptiness and not feel anything….not cry…not hurt….but I can’t….I unlike you have feelings….I have compassion and a heart…..
Is it fair of me to say these things of you? Probably not….but that’s how I feel….
For years I have loved you….
For years I have given you everything….
For years I have believed every word that you have said to me…maybe questioned you, but I believed you….
For years…
Four years….
I never thought I would be where I am….I never thought that we would end….through all the fights, the tears, the threats….I never thought it would be final….but I have to understand and realize it has to be….
Crazy….
I feel crazy…I feel like I could laugh, cry, scream, and just curl up and sleep….but most of all cry….go through the motions of the grief…the grief of missing you…missing you talking to me, texting me, laying with me at night….the kisses…gone are the kisses….it just hurts….my heart hurts….
How I loved you so much more and it’s so easy for you to walk away, I will never know….
So now I recover, I go through the motions….I close the book….and I live….
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