The blame game....

back·bone–noun
1. Anatomy. the spinal column; spine.
2. strength of character; resolution.
3. something resembling a backbone in appearance, position, or function.
4. Bookbinding. a back or bound edge of a book; spine.
5. Nautical. a rope running along the middle of an awning, as a reinforcement and as an object to which a supporting bridle or crowfoot may be attached.
6. Naval Architecture. the central fore-and-aft assembly of the keel and keelson, giving longitudinal strength to the bottom of a vessel.

I hate the feeling of being sucked into a black hole....thrown around for a bit....spit back out....sucked back down....and repeat.....

Really - who would enjoy such gloom, doom and punishment. No one that's who. No one would want to live a life where everyday it's a blame game of who did what to who or who's right and who's wrong....knowing that you always have to be the "wrong" person even if your not.

To say that I need to re-find my backbone....get a backbone or finally pull my head out of my ass is an understatement....

It's not right for someone to treat another human being like their garbage....

It's not right for someone to never find fault in themselves and push blame 24/7 on someone else....

I'm not saying that you have to pick apart yourself or take blame when it's not needed....I'm just saying that some people need to look at themselves...

No one's perfect....no one expects you to be, but you are expected to be a descent human being to others.

Off the soapbox for the day....

Today......

Today is Friday April 9th......

Today is the first day of my new life.....

Today I guess is a pretty important day.....

This emotional roller coaster has been one helluva ride.....and I havent enjoyed it one bit....ok, I take that back, I have loved the weight loss program that came with it...I watched as I got down to my pre-pregancy weight....then to my high school weight....so this I have enjoyed....but the hollow feeling inside me out weighs this slimfast joy.....

I've learned a lot and will become stronger and better from this all....

I've hurt a lot and I'm sure that I will continue to hurt for awhile.....and go thru the vicious cycle of the highs and lows....

Life will go on.....I will be happy again....but today I'm just here....

Raindrops....

Raindrops are like teardrops....and it's been raining all day.....

I used to listen to the song 'Please don't leave me' and sing it word for word....still do....but it hurts even more to sing it or hear it.....

I really want to know what it's going to take to get thru this....

I really want to know what it's going to take to make my hurt go away....

I truly feel like someone has died....I truly feel as if my heart is being twisted every beat it takes....

Raindrops are like teardrops...and it's been raining all day.....

Hurt

I cried again tonight…..I don’t know why I did….when I already knew the answer….I already knew the outcome of the night….I guess I was expecting more….I was wanting more….but I should have known better…..

My heart hurts right now….it hurts a lot….my need and want to feel loved is overwhelming….
Its been a lot of days…a lot of hours….and millions of seconds….and no forgiveness insight….no comebacks….

I am me
I am imperfect
I am stubborn on certain moments

But that doesn’t make all of me….that doesn’t give anyone the right to give up on me….or treat me like I’m not a valuable person….that I’m not a valuable wife….

There is a lot to said about past mistakes….mistakes happen, everyone learns from their mistakes….that’s what makes them a better person…that’s what helps them build towards the future….

I love my husband….love him with all of my heart….but he hurts me daily….he’s pulled so far away….

I don’t think he wants to be married….in fact after tonight I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to be married…no one should have to worry or wonder for over 6 hours where their husband is, or if they are coming home…

When you love someone, you respect them…you want to be there for them….you want to make them feel better…you want to comfort them…treat them like they are your number one…..and I don’t have that….what I have is a one way street…

I’ve messed up in the beginning….so does it make it right to be treated like this now? No it doesn’t….I’ve paid my dues…I’ve apologized, I’ve begged, I’ve hung myself out there everyday…….

So I cry….

So I hurt….

Does he care….no sadly he doesn’t…..he doesn’t know what he wants….but I’m figuring it out that it’s not me…it cant be me….otherwise there would be no question….there would be no doubt….there would be no hurt….there would be no tears….and I wouldn’t be alone….I would be with my husband….but I’m not….