Ready...Set....Go

One life....

That's what you are given....precious gift of a new day...

You are given obstacles.....you are given challenges...you are given the ups and downs like the waves of an ocean....

You are given sunrises....you are given sunsets...

Sometimes you get the breath taken right out of you....sometimes you have a whole where your heart should be.....

But you will realize, that you have one life....

So live it...

Let it go....

Live it....ready...set...go....

Dear Heart

I'm writing you today because I need a favor....I need you to listen to me and listen to me very carefully.....I'm tired...very tired....I'm weak....very weak....and I need you Mr. Heart to understand some things....

I'm sorry I gave you to someone who couldn't treat you right....I'm sorry that I gave you to someone who would over and over want to hurt you the way that they have.... I do have to take some responsibility and add that I have given them the chances...I have given them the opportunities to come back and hurt you and I"m sorry....every time I'm strong enough, every time I'm happy enough to move on, I foolishly open the door again... I'm the one who believes the lies... but Mr. Heart you don't stop me...this is where the favor comes in....

Mr. Heart you need to let go....I will cry yes...but Mr. Heart please let it go....

The empty feeling that is surrounding me... the empty feeling that still haunts me, will not go away until you let go....I've been alone far too long Mr. Heart....I've been unloved long enough....

We both know that love does exists....and it may not be a fairytale but it's not like this....

Someone will love you Mr. Heart and someone, the next time I give you away will not hurt you....I promise you this.....

So Mr. Heart let go....we can't change anyone for anything at anytime....it's time....

Simplicity....giggles...and some good stuff...

I have a new mission....and like most missions, I'm determine to conquer this quest....I am going to simplify...completely simplify my life.....I'm stripping down to the bones and building back up....I've realized after not being able to sleep last night that I have become just like the others that I bitch about....I have become that greedy person who "wants" everything...who has to have everything...when in reality I don't...I don't need anything....I'm driving myself crazy trying to have it all, when all I need is the simple things in life....just like giggles...how simple is a giggle, a smile, a grin...it's the easiest way to show, to see how happy someone is....and how you don't need anything else...all you need is to clear your mind....to see it out of the eyes of a child, and know that you can live your life fuller for less....

I'm all about this challenge....as I'm sitting here, I'm already making a mental picture of shit that I can throw away...sell...give away....and I'm curious as to why I haven't before...why hoard all of this stuff? why keep memories if the memories aren't worth keeping? I want the good stuff....I want the positive feeling of family....as gay as it may sound, I just want it to feel like a home again...i want to fix the broken home, and the broken pieces that are still in it...

In closing here is the latest and greatest saying I have yet to find....

Sink or swim......

There comes a time when you stop and stare at the wall that is facing you and you realize or maybe not realize but you question some of your actions or you question some of your decisions that you have made....or will be making...or want to make....

I've talked about wanting a map...needing a map....the chicken shit way as I call it...because Lord knows that the other ways that I have tried have all been fuck-ups.....not everything...my kids are my world....my life...the best of me...the best of everything...but when it comes to love - dear Lord...yes I said it...dear Lord...I can't get it right...I've tried...I've begged...I've pleaded...all I want is that love to be loved....to be accepted as I am...to have that partner, that one that I've dreamed for...made up in my little mind..he's there...he's not perfect, but he's mine...he loves me...he wants to make me happy..he wants to wipe my tears....he wants to hold me, and make it all go away...he wants to be there....he wants to be there....

I don't want perfect...I know better...I wouldn't want to live the fantasy life... I want real....

This comes back to staring at that wall....

Taking that step...

Feeling that knot in your stomach...

And holding your breath as you make that leap...

You make that decision....

You sink or swim.....

The tugs of times..

It is Friday....can I get a AMEN to that?! Even though we were blessed with a 4 day work week, it still seemed to take FOREVER to get here...crazy how that works....

I'm happy to report that I'm once again conflicted with the avenues in my life....again it's part of life and the roller coaster of feelings, and I understand that nothing will be easy and you have to work for things that you want in life....but what about the things I don't want in life...where is the button to stop all actions or emotions to end? The road map that I ordered to help direct me, is obviously lost in the mail because I still have yet to receive it.....

I guess though if things were easy where would we build our great character that makes each of us unique individuals...hell I'd say fuck the personality tell me what I need to do...

I wonder if others feel the tugs of times...do you feel pulled yet you don't know in what direction....do you have a sense of what you should be doing, then get a tug of doubt...a tug of question....because then you are reminded that your actions will last forever....one action changes your future....no matter how big or small....

I know such deep thoughts on a Friday...but my brain is a thinking...and we all know that means nothing but trouble or crazy rambling thoughts....I know in the end whatever happens was meant to be....Life is simple, we only cloud it with bullshit and complex issues.....

Sunny thoughts....crabby pants....

Yes, the title is true...it's sunny outside, the weather is beautiful and yet i have this crabby tug going on....it all started two days ago....

September 1st.....woke up loving the month....embraced it, looked good, did my hair....got little man ready, it was a good morning.....so far......brought little man to daycare, running late....very late, dropped him off and zoomed to work...well on the way to work Mr. Police Officer thought that he would pull me over and remind me that going 51 in a 40 is not safe....thanks jack-ass, and even better after the $150 ticket, he told me he knocked it down not to effect my insurance...i glance down at the ticket....50 in a 40....thanks jack-ass......so I'm pissed at the month of September at this point, not thinking I should have been watching my speed...just easier to blame something else......

get to work, glance at my bank account and realize that my kid's fabulous picture place decided to take out my payment twice....thanks jack-asses once again!!! Because yes please - I'm made of money.....September

I had a presentation to give...a power point presentation for a CEO....it would have been great if I could have found that power point......September

It was a snowball of events....it didn't just stop there and that all happened before 9:30....yeah, you read it right....9:30.....sweetness....frick'n September.....

So now today...before my weekend I'm determined to stop my hatred for September.....I need to knock the shit off and take off the crabby pants and say fuck it....I woke up today, my kids are good...enjoy the frick'n sun lady and get over your shitty shitty attitude....

Cheers for the weekend....here's to losing the crabby pants....