Field of dreams....

You live and let live and eventually, that becomes enough.....

True statement, when it comes down to the sane part of me...yes there is one ; ) I do have my moments of why things are good, why life is the way it is....why the world goes round....

Wearing your heart on your sleeve can take a toll on a person....you become emotional over the tiniest factors, you feel like you become a freak of nature when it comes to your waterfall of tears 24/7 over sometimes the most annoying little things....and you can't stop...you try, you want to....and it's like "wtf?!?" why am I crying!!

I know, I know....deep breathing...take a walk...all those grand gestures....it's just crazy to think of how I've changed....the good, the bad...I've changed....some changes I love and some changes are driving me crazy...I miss my free spirit....I miss my go with the flow attitude....I want that back....I need that back...

Last night, was a crazy night...I cling....think that's the best way to put it....I cling, and want....when I know I need to relax, and let it all go....day by day, it is what it is...all that good jazz....there is no magical pill....there are no magical words....there isn't a field of dreams....this is it...this is life....you just have to live it.....

oh baby my baby....

I love my babies....really can't call them babies anymore....but as a mom, I have this selfishness of always having them being "mine", "little", and of course they need me....

It's amazing to me looking back how all I wanted was time to hurry up...I wanted to hurry up and be 14 so I could drive my damn moped....then I wanted to hurry up and turn 16 so I could drive a car....then it was off to hurrying up so I could be done with school....all I wanted was time to go fast....and my wise parents kept telling me not to wish the time away...what did they know I thought...they were old and crazy to me at that time....and now I look at my "babies" and I know exactly how they felt....as I watch and hear my kiddo's wish they were older, wish they were driving...wishing the time away....

Time is our best friend and our worst enemy it feels like at moments...you either don't have enough of it or you have too much...

Need a switch....

Sometimes I feel like I need a switch, just to shut off my brain....to stop the thoughts, to stop the feelings....to just be "normal"

I am my own worst enemy I need to breathe....I need to keep remembering that I am me and only me....I can only control me.....I need to just let it all play out...if it's meant to be it will happen...I need to trust....I need to relax....I need to live....

So easy to say....I feel like I need an electric shock collar....get my ass zapped every damn time that my mind starts going on overload....that way it can just shut off....

I posted prior about fast forwarding or rewinding.....I think I just want to fast forward.....give me a good month....hell give me two....I just want to be back in the "nook".....

So note of today....smile, laugh, and stop thinking....love love love......and say your prayers, that life is good, and will remain good....

Feeling it.....

I love the feeling of having that "good" feeling...and not having to dig for it knowing that it's just there......

Taking it all in - the good, the bad, the present, the past.....but most importantly the future...love knowing that the gift of today is here and not to waste it....

Everyone is fighting their own battles...to be free from their past....to live in their present....and to create their future....so have heart....

And feel it....

Maybe...

there are days where you don't see the sun but you still feel the warmth....

there are days when there are no clouds but you can still feel the rain.....

there are days when you close your eyes and you can see the world.......

There are days....

We are blessed to have a new day, a new start every day...

I am blessed to have the world's most fabulous kids, who will love their crazy mother no matter what my mood is, happy, mad or sad...and they stand by me....I'll never be able to express my love to them or for them...they are the best of me.....they are amazing.....

Today is a new start in so many different ways....hopefully a great way....all I can say is maybe...

Slow and steady....

It won't be today

It won't be tomorrow

But I will get there....

I will be there.....

I will be that strong person that I know and love....

I will be back to me....

I will smile without having tears follow....

I will wake up without that nauseous feeling....

I will laugh and really feel my laugh....

I will be happy....

I will love....

It may not be today....

It may not be tomorrow...

But I will get there....

I'm ready to be there.....

Here instead of there......

So its 4 in the morning and I have so much to say to you....but I can't....

Its 4 in the morning and all I want to do is roll over and touch you....but I can't.....

To say that I'm hurting is an understatement....this grief kills to the core...all I can think about is you and how I want you back with me....

I wonder where you are....
I wonder who you talk to....
I wonder if you think of me....

All I can do is wonder....

All I can do is cry...

I want this feeling to go away, I want my heart to stop wanting you....I want to stop hurting over you....

I can't text you...I can't tell you this...I have to stop...I have to stop being your doormat for you to come and blame me for everything, because you know I will take it just to make you happy.....

So I write this here....not there...and its safe.....I can cry, I can let it out...and you won't know.....kind of like all the nights I cried myself to sleep while you slept soundly....when I should have first caught on that you were there not here....

Puzzle Pieces....

Once you feel like you're going in the right direction, do you ever feel that all of the sudden there is a huge flip in a switch and the ways of the world are changed....like a 4 year old throwing a box of puzzle pieces in the air and you're sitting there watching them scatter to the ground even more jumbled than they were before......

Life is life....it's what we choose everyday what we make of it.....we choose to be happy, mad or sad....we choose to let other people's opinions hurt us, make us feel good, or annoy us.....it's so easy to sit here and say this...say "we choose" it's our option.....

Everyday I wake up......everyday I cry.......everyday I put on a smile to all that don't know what's going on in my life....everyday I fake happiness to those around me, while I'm slowly dying inside....every damn day....

I'm trying though....I'm trying to change....it's so much easier said than done....but I'm taking it day by day and picking up those puzzle pieces and trying to figure it out.....I will do it.... I can do it....

Think I got it....

Close your eyes

Clear your heart

Let it go......

Need to re-focus, need to re-prioritize my life....no more excuses.....I can only fix me...I can fix no one else no matter how hard I want to or how hard I try....I can't make someone want what I want or make them feel how I feel....

Love is the best and the worst feeling....can make you the happiest or make you at your lowest....but love is patient and love is kind right?!?

Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future....

Think I got it....I hope I finally got it......