Beer and skittles....

Beer and skittles

Function: noun plural but singular or plural in construction

1. a situation of agreeable ease

2. amusement; pleasure; fun.

3. a good time

4. an expression that roughly equates to cool, tight, awesome, etc.

With a title like that you have to wonder what the hell am I thinking....I had this crazy thought, I was thinking about skittles..yes skittles...as weird as it may seem -but not as in the candy, but as in the way of like having a "scattering" of thoughts...hundreds of things racing and shuffling through your mind....then I heard a phrase of "Life isn't all beer and skittles... Life is not unalloyed pleasure or relaxation." Beer and skittles?? So I'm curious, and I google skittles and it comes up with bowling....really?? really...bowling?!? Yeah....so I was then like I guess life is like bowling...not to get too deep, but it kinda is....in life you get knocked down, and it's up to us to have the courage to get back up - regroup and get on with it....and then look at that obstacle that is trying to knock us down, push us over and say "screw you"

Life is not all beer and skittles....but hell, it is what it is and I'll drink to that.....

Wish it...Dream it...Do it...

Getting organized isn't as easy as it seems with a woman who writes down everything....seldom without names/dates/purposes...just random scribblings...or maybe not so random - they actually do have a purpose and a reason...just can't think of from what meeting or what convo that it came from....yeah that happens...I'm trying to fix it but right now it's not as important as my other missions that I have going on...but it's getting better...somewhat......

I'm now working on some of my short term goals....yes the goals that I set ions ago, and I'm now actually focusing on them....making myself a priority in my own world....funny, yet not how I let me become so unimportant on my own future, how I let my dreams go and focused on someone else for so long....

I was given a huge gift when I got this promotion....I beat out over 30 applicants for my position that I never even applied for....just wrote an email to the director and told him about my passion for this field....I remember how high I was...I remember feeling soo important and golden....then my passion was put out...my everything was gone, but in reality I still had the world, I was just beat down to not seeing my purpose, my dreams, the good that I could be....so I'm back proving myself and throwing everything I have back into my work...and it's good...very good

I know this for sure...something I have always known, just got a little side-tracked....I can wish it....dream it....do it.....

Yeah....That just happened....

I wonder if it's just me or if others go through the motions of the days wondering at times...really? really?...Did that just happen?!? Not necessarily in a bad way....just catching yourself realizing how precious time really is...how the value of time can change you.....

Last night I took a look at myself....really looked at myself....I no longer feel empty, I don't have a partner to fill that void and I'm ok with that...something I haven't been able to say for a very long time...I have my smile back, which I have missed...I have my laugh back, which my kids have missed...I have my dignity back..which hello, who wouldn't miss that?!? It's just a great feeling to be ok with me again...to be me again....

It didn't come overnight, or with a huge "holy shit" moment.....but it's here....it happened....

Feel Good Friday.....

That's all I got...I feel good, tired yet good.....and it's Friday....BONUS my kiddos have set a schedule of bag tourneys (which will surely lead to a fight), ladder golf, swimming, some form of eating a lot of junk food, and a wedding dance with crazy relatives that is sure to be interesting....have to love that line-up

What I was...where I am...what I'm going to be....

I think that if you are here right now and you have been reading this blog...you know what I was....don't think this needs too much explanation...I was unhappy, sad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, hurt, happy at some points, confused, think I was pretty much a jumble of emotions....I was lost is what I was....

Where I am.....I like it.....I really like it....it feels good now when I wake up....it feels good to kiss my kids and giggle with them again about the craziest things that they say, and actually "be" in the conversation and not having to have them repeat their stories because I'm so focused on other issues....I love our sporadic dancing yet once again in the kitchen, busting out the moves for no reason other than we want to have a dance party USA at that moment.....I like not walking on eggshells....waiting for the other shoe to drop....I like feeling this....feeling like the old me....the me that doesn't have to fake happiness, it's just there.......so that leaves....

What I'm going to be......I'm going to be fabulous, I'm going to be just fine, I'm going to have fun with my life, I'm going to take random road trips to podunk towns, I'm going to live my life.....I'm going to love and be loved....I'm going to trust and be trusted.....

I like it....quite frankly - I love it.....because I'm ready for it....

The moment....

You have moments where situations are created....and feelings are felt......

Moments that feel good....hell they feel great and you don't want that moment to end....you want the nights to last longer....you want the conversations to never end....and you want the kisses to last.....

Moments are created in a blink of an eye, the chances we get with our lives, our families are ours that happen by choice, fate or chance.....

My negative blogs are ending...my "moment" has lasted way too damn long with the pity party....my kids, family and friends have been my lifeline, they have beat it in my head that it's not me...to get over it, to realize who I am and what I have to offer....to stop living in the bad moments...

So here I am today...blessed by so many moments that have happened to make me smile today...to make me feel as good as I do....to have this good....no great moment......

Every day I love you less and less.....

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."-Erica Jong

It’s amazing how feelings change…when you are at a point of your life and you don’t think you could ever love again….or ever love someone else anymore than what you have….or put yourself out there, to let go of the past…really let go of it…

The past seven months have been difficult…they have been full of hurt, tears, anger and many other emotions…I thought that I would never feel better, I thought my heart would always hurt….I thought wrong…it has taken time and for a very impatient, instant gratification kind of girl…time is the enemy….when you want it fixed now, you see no sunlight……

I see sunlight now….and I can honestly say now every day I love you less and less

Bullshit....

Can do, can do....

We accept the love we think we deserve, just like we accept the happiness that we think we deserve....

My thoughts, feelings for the day....fuck....they're all over the place.....not in a bad way...in a good way....my itty bitty brain is exploding with thoughts.....my actions, my emotions are finally getting in track I feel....my grasp on situations is getting firmer....I'm feeling more in control, which is great...not in control as in "it's my way or no way" just as I can get what I need said properly ...I'm glad to say that my stock in Kleenex can finally go down a bit....tears are not shed every hour on the hour, and in fact they are not shed every day....

My heart is healing....my heart is growing - which is odd, and true folded into one....

I'm getting things figured out....slowly but surely....which is fine by me....I still of course want would love instant gratification....but I will take the slow route for now....and stick with my can do attitude....