ipso - facto

'ip·so fac·to

ˈipsō ˈfaktō/

 

adverb: ipso facto

 

by that very fact or act.

"the enemy of one's enemy may be ipso facto a friend"

 

 

 

So let's begin here.....there are things in life that you plan, expect or predict....sometimes good and sometimes bad....I'm the type that has had a hard time dealing with "control".....

 

I hate not feeling like I have control of the situation.....

I hate not feeling like I have control of the emotion....

 

It's a roller coaster at times....

 

For example.....My daughter went to college...knew it was going to happen (planned) knew it was going to be tough and I would bawl like a baby (expected) and I knew that she would love it (predicted)......and it's all good so far....but yet it's hard to let go of she's my baby....she's part third of my world and it's hard to not have that everyday say so of her life....

 

Things in my life are changing.....and it's good changes but it's just some changes that I can't control and I wish to hell I would know how to handle some of the situations better....so  I don't just throw up my every thought at times....or that I would tell my thoughts better at times.....

 

Life is changing

Feelings are changing

 

Ipso facto

Times of the new......

Dear One Reader......

Soooooo......it's been a little bit....not too long like it sometimes has been but a little bit.....

Words to the wise....and I have some instructions for you....yes me with the FUCKED up life and the worse, I can say the WORST judgement e-va.....yes me....I have some instructions for you....

Number One....Love you....be you....I found this out too late...when that person that you love is with you and they can't or won't love you for who you are or what you are.....it's not love it's control...it's them wanting something that's not you....BE YOU.....

Number Two....Don't fix don't be a fixer....Leave that fucking bullshit to Bob the Builder or to Wreck it Ralph's sidekick Felix the Fixer.....It's not that difficult to love someone....it's not.....it's not rocket science, you love someone....it's simple...it's pure...it's nonjudgemental.....that's what true love is....it just happens.....

Number Three...Be happy....simple...happy....you need to not have to make anyone happy but you....it's about being equal and not having to just please one....it's a team thing....

And it happened....

So it happened.....

It finally happened....

Thru all the damn tears, the months of waiting, the hours wasted......it happened.....

I let go....

I know to my maybe one or two readers you're throwing the bullshit flag on this, but it truly happened.....

It's official.....


I stayed too long, I fought too hard, I cried too much, I ruined way too many friendships, I hurt a lot of people.....for what? For someone who threw me away like garbage and I had some mission that I would make him love me....make him think I was of value......


It wasn't him.....

I didn't need him.....

I needed me....

And it was hard to find me after a lot of years of emotional, verbal and some physical abuse....but I found me....

It didn't happen over night....or even in days....it took a long....lloooooooooonnnngggg time for me to get it...to realize that I needed no one but me....I have to love me, I have to think I'm of value....not him....me.....

I'm good....
I'm happy....

I smile now....quite a bit actually....

I laugh more....

I only cry at sappy movies....

I love my children more....

I'm good....
I'm happy....

It happened....

Pieces of me.....

There are moments in your life when you think you can take it all....you think that you are that superwoman that can reflect any negativity that comes your way...you think that you can take all the hurt, the pain, the bit by bit of your last strength taken from you....you think that in your mind you got this....you can handle it....you can make it better....

There are moments in your life when solitude is magical and golden....when silence isn't just what you want, it's what you need....the silence and loneliness isn't to seclude you, it's to protect you in some form you feel....to help you rebuild, to help you get those walls back up that have crumbled down...now don't get me wrong...loneliness is a bitch...but sometimes it's needed...needed for clarity and needed for peace....

There are moments in your life when it feels like too much....when you want to never get out of your bed and when you have no motivation to shower, eat let alone get out of those damn clothes that are now matted on your body and could stand on their own.....

Love to me, is so ugly right now....

Love to me besides with my children is unthinkable....

I've lost faith...
I've lost hope...
I'm lost....

I let it happen....

I let him take the last pieces of me....

Descisions

When one has decisions to make in their life, you rely on advice....you rely on others to help you out....

Now let's just say you have some outspoken folks, some quiet folks and some folks who don't know what the fuck they are telling you....they just want to splurt whatever is on their mind and don't care about feelings or even if it's making sense.....

I understand peoples points.....

I understand peoples outlooks....

What I don't understand is how on God's green earth someone can tell you "I know how you feel"

How??

How can you know how I feel?

Yes I believe that some people have been in similar situations, and can CERTAINLY give their two cents, and they can "know" partial of the feelings, but I don't think anyone can say " I know how you feel"

Decisions in life can be simple....

Ketchup or mustard...maybe both...or do you go mayo

Salt or pepper

Blue or green

Hot or Cold....

Can go on and on.....

Some decisions in life are not this simple....
Some hurt...
Some make it all better....
Some are temporary
And some are permanent....


When you have someone in your life and you love them...it's a tough thing this love....
Love changes....
Love doesn't always feel like love...

Some people love different than others....and you wonder why or how....

you never know....

So the sun has been shining today....which can I get an amen??? it's amazing when you can actually see something other than dark clouds and gloomy skies....

Call me crazy...I know I know, most of you prolly already do ; ) but weather helps a person....

Situations help a person....

Time helps a person....

What doesn't help is holding on....

It's like the saying of holding on to anger is like holding on to hot coal - you only hurt your self....I look at it like it's not just anger....it's all types of emotions that you may have....

No one knows how long, or what is in store for them....

Plans, promises, days....they all change....

there is no rule book....

There is no directions....

There is you...

There is your heart....

There is your brain....

Options are endless on how you move thru your day, how you treat the pain you feel or how you move on with options in your life...

You have control....like I have struggled, I don't and seldom feel like I do....

I'm careless and reckless...

I am either completely in or I am no where near ready...

I miss a lot of things....

I miss a lot of simply things....

I miss so much that my heart sometimes feels like it's going to burst...

I miss so much that I don't even realize that I have cried during the night until I feel the soaked pillow in the morning....

The clock is ticking...

Just let it be....

Because one thing is certain....

You never know

you win....

I really don't know what to say.....

Obviously we all know I don't know what or how I feel....

I have given it all....

I have done all I can....

I have tried more than anyone would have tried....

You win....

You broke me...

Any hurt you wanted to make me feel....

You win....

I never did that to you, nor would I.....

I don't know who or what you want....

You say me, but that's simple....

You don't want me....you want to be you...you want to be single....

I don't blame you...well I do, but that's obvious with the tears, pain and heartache....

I have to get over the lies, the empty promises and all of bullshit over and over.....

You're not here...you're never here....

You never even tried....

You promised so many things and broke them all....

You win....

Monsters under your bed

Monsters under your bed…..




Growing up some, if not most kids had the ordeal of bedtime….the scare factor of the dark, the creepy noises of the wind, a creek in the floor…or as innocent as noises from the next room or from downstairs….growing up we learned of the monsters in our closets or maybe you had that monster under your bed…we clutched our blankets with dear life and prayed that the blanket, bear or whatever you white knuckle clutched would be the sense of security enough to hold off any monsters or demons waiting to pounce on us…



Getting older, we still have monsters…monsters that make their ugly twisted way into our heads and hearts…putting thoughts in our minds, either it be self-doubt, self-pity….or whatever it may be….it’s there…the damn monsters haven’t left…..



I’m facing my monsters….I’m facing my monster….



It’s a ting of pain at moments, it’s a numbness at other times….it’s a feeling of remorse, regret, overwhelming me at times….and it’s a wonder of why……



I found this today:

It’s going to hurt. That’s the truth of it. It will hurt two hours later and in a few months. When you’re alone and when you find yourself surrounded by dozens of people. When you see him and when you don’t. At three in the morning and at three in the afternoon the following day. It’s going to hurt every second for a really long time, not because you are too weak to let it go, but because it’s normal. Heartbreak doesn’t heal when you want it to. It happens over time, and some days it will feel like that feeling you carry is never going to go away, but it will. One day, when you least expect it, you’ll wake up and find that you’re not angry anymore. You won’t be familiar with it or understand the feeling, but you’ll know the difference. And then you can say that you made it



I like it….it’s simple…it’s something I can relate to without thinking that I’m going crazy….

I’m dealing with monsters….the ugly ugly monster…

No blanket with help

No nightlight will kill it….



It’s under my bed, and in my soul….

Tonight....

Tonight has been a night....

I have tried to clear my mind of all thoughts and feelings....and I decided to turn to this...I needed to turn to this to make sense of this hurt that is pouring through me....

I have days where I am ok...where it's all ok...where there is only a ping of pain...then I have days where I'm not ok....where the pain is so tremendous I feel like I am going to collapse.....the tears won't stop....and my heart wants to burst....

It takes one thing....

One memory....

One thought....

And I'm paralyzed with thoughts of you.....

I'm hurting from and for you....

I've never been hurt this bad ever....I've never been in this place....

Morning is going to come....I will have the puffy eyes, red nose and headache and heartache that I carry everyday.....

I will still hurt, but smile....
I will still cry, but hide it....
I will still care, but ignore it....

Tonight....tonight I hurt, tonight I cry and tonight I care....
Tonight....tonight I wish so many things....

it's been a night.....

Recovery

Recovery….Final Chapter…

Right now I feel as though I’m going through detox…I guess that would be the best way to describe it…going through all the motions and different emotions of getting you out of my system….

I would love to live in denial or the emptiness and not feel anything….not cry…not hurt….but I can’t….I unlike you have feelings….I have compassion and a heart…..

Is it fair of me to say these things of you? Probably not….but that’s how I feel….

For years I have loved you….

For years I have given you everything….

For years I have believed every word that you have said to me…maybe questioned you, but I believed you….

For years…

Four years….

I never thought I would be where I am….I never thought that we would end….through all the fights, the tears, the threats….I never thought it would be final….but I have to understand and realize it has to be….

Crazy….

I feel crazy…I feel like I could laugh, cry, scream, and just curl up and sleep….but most of all cry….go through the motions of the grief…the grief of missing you…missing you talking to me, texting me, laying with me at night….the kisses…gone are the kisses….it just hurts….my heart hurts….

How I loved you so much more and it’s so easy for you to walk away, I will never know….

So now I recover, I go through the motions….I close the book….and I live….