Things I Remember.....

I remember preschool....calling my teacher mrs. coffepot because her last name was maxwell and to me that was funny or made sense....our treasure box that I would sneak toys out of (only once or twice)..... standing behind the wall and comparing under shirts with my friend Wade.....and Ben, who at that point was the love of my life, leaving..moving...it was devastating to a 5 year old.....

I remember playing at recess during elementary and being so carefree...building "houses" by scraping the rocks and sand from the ground to have walls/rooms and to see who had the best house and then cry when the older kids ruined it by running through or other grades taking over my prized possession.....

I remember playing twister on the swings....over and over running out after lunch as fast as you could to get the "right" side of the swing set with the "perfect" swings....and always having Teresa being the one to go around since she was the heaviest and that way you could fly super high (sorry Teresa)

I remember bloody noses at school and mom having to come to bring me new shirts

I remember my aunt being the school nurse and not getting away with any fake illness

I remember the psycho that I had to deal with from 4th grade to 7th grade....the numerous plots to push my in front of a truck at recess to taking the knife to carve pumpkins and chase me....thank you Kim for all the numerous counseling sessions and indoor recesses....they were solid...nooooootttttttt

I remember playing with my brother....always playing with him....dressing him up as a girl....making him drink odd drinks....torturing him....good times....

I remember making forts in the grove....either with fallen trees or the old sheds....I would stay out for hours playing by myself....I loved pretending, imagining my world out there.....

I remember getting chased up the tree by our dumb black cow and being stuck there for hours....

I remember going to farm auctions, animal auctions with my dad and not understanding what the hell we were doing.....

I remember my dad buying us kids all bottle lambs....mine was LB (lovable baby) my brothers was Nigger Lips (seriously not being racist he was 5) and my sisters was Blondie....

I remember going to the 80 all the time....our name for our old house that was on 80 acres of land....first there was a house, a garage and sheds....then one by one there was nothing.....and it was here that I stepped out of the corn crib and stepped right into a huge pile of rotten beans...I was forced to ride in the back of the pick-up because of how horrid I smelled....I never knew they smelled that horrible....

I remember babysitters that would take us fun places.....

I remember babysitters that I wished would go places far far away and never babysit again....

I remember fighting with my sister....always....

I remember always having to do chores....

I remember having to ride the bus and hate it....but loved it when cute Craig rode the bus....

I remember the exotic chickens that my dad bought and wondered why do we want more chickens to raise when we have to gather eggs for 8,000 chickens that we already have......

I remember butchering chickens....seriously what child needs that as a trait....a farm kid that's who.....

I remember go carts, riding beans, lazy summer afternoons, playing with cousins, swimming at lakes, fishing with my dad and grandpa, and baking with my mom.....

I remember how simple things were.....

I remember how much I took for granted and do take for granted.....

Who are ya baby....

Yes winter is here and I can seriously, honestly say.....I hate winter......

Yes if you are that superwomen/man and embrace all seasons you could look forward to pulling out the sleds and taking the kiddos down the hills...building snowmen, making the glorious snow angels in your front yard....but I'm going to be honest.....I hate winter.....i hate having to get all bundled up to just go outside....and guaranteed if I don't have to piss within the first 10 minutes of being locked into my snow pants, three pairs of pants, thermal underwear and some over sized parka that is zipped closed with a mile long scarf wrapped 10 times around my neck...I am the one who finds some sort of water/wet spot/or the one ray of sunshine that will soak all of my garments.....it's nice....and fun...

I do like snow days...love them...and I'm not being sarcastic about this one....who doesn't love getting locked away, and knowing you have the excuse that you don't have to do anything....that I love....but for some reason the storm sets in on Friday night and by Sunday night it's all clear and you are free to carry on life as usual on Monday.....really we need to work on this.....I'm all for Monday night storms and all clear by lets say Thursday'ish....one day work week for the all the extra shoveling/scraping/thawing seems practical to me....let's make it happen this season....

I went to a fabulous seminar on Friday....it really was a great seminar, for what I was suppose to be there for took a whole new swing when the speaker spoke of areas that I never really took to heart, or I hear and think of but I never take action on.....goals, expectations....all that deep stuff....I'm all about it....I'm a starter but not a finisher and for once I'd like to actually be held accountable and finish it all....make a goal, or say what I mean/want and actually go all the way....not be that procrastinator that I know and love...but to have a goal, work for it and do it....Nike would love me for all the energy and aspirations that I have right now....

I don't know about anyone else but i have found that I mold myself to something I'm not...I'm a pleaser....I eat things I don't want....i speak up when it's nothing at all but when i want something I go mute.....I want to get along with people, but then I bitch, moan and complain that I give in when in all reality it's my fault.....i don't have to be every ones pleaser....I can eat Chinese if I'm hungry for Chinese.....

I'm not going to announce any drastic statements....I'm just on a mission to figure myself....so I don't have to ask....who are ya baby.....

Ghosts....

Ok so I know that I haven't been the peppiest person....and seriously for those haters, i have had a legit reason these past months.....before that I just shouldn't have been so overwhelmed with situations that I look back on now and know that they consumed too much of my time....

Nothing should make you feel doubt......

Nothing should make you feel inferior.....

Nothing should make you feel sad....

Nothing should make you feel unloved....

Now is the time to move on.....

Now is the time to get over the past.....

I found this saying and I love it...

All is well. You did not come here to fix a broken world. The world is not broken. You came here to live a wonderful life. And if you can learn to relax a little and let it all in, you will begin to see the universe present you with all that you have asked for. Esther Abraham-Hicks

Time to not over think, time to listen, time to let go.....I've said this before i know on here...peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart....that's where I gotta be....going to be....goodbye ghosts...

Past Tense

Mirror mirror on the wall

Tell me something that I don't know

I have so many questions....I have so many thoughts....my days now run over and all seem the same...Funny how I questioned my saneness before, now I doubt I have a sane thought or bone in my body....

I hear his voice....when I think of something I can hear it clearly....I cry because I can hear it and I cry because I don't want to ever not remember it....how his voice sounded....how his actions were...

Were...odd...were, was....all of them....it's hard to put everything into past tense...my whole lingo for my dad has changed....I have to past tense it all....

I don't understand the whole grieving process....I don't understand how I should be feeling.....

I know that I have changed my thoughts about a lot of people....my actions have changed, and sometimes I will admit it's not for the better.....

I have grown a pair....odd that it took this....but I realized that I have to be me.....I can't live my life as someone else or as what someone else wants me to be.....I'm still working on this...but I feel stronger than ever about this...it's crazy scary to change after you have tried so hard to "mold" your life for so long.....

I've learned that some people are selfish and will always remain selfish....this is for another blog post....it's in continuance of me growing a pair...but the ripples are starting and I have a great feeling the wave will be along oh too soon....

some things will not change and some things will never go past tense....I love him, and will always love him....miss you dad

Here it goes...

A week ago Monday my life changed....

The way I think won't be the same...

I know everyone goes through pain, hurt, confusion, guilt and sorrow in their life....

I know you don't get someone back no matter how hard you want or pray....

I wrote a story last Thursday morning...October 6th and read it to a crowd of around 200...I never once looked up into that crowd....when I was finished I had many people come up to me and tell me how proud they were, or how strong I was.....I didn't feel strong....I didn't feel one thing....

I thought I was moody before....oh dear Lord, my emotions and moodiness has me believing that I need to find a padded cell and a straight jacket for myself some days just so I don't hurt anyone....oh and if by the chance of one in a million Amanda from Family Festival Films who was the telemarketer that called last Friday to my parents house...I'm still not sorry that I called you a fucking bitch....seriously if any of you that know me reading this thought I was going to apologize, shame on you.....Amanda was a serious bitch and deserved all the yelling that I gave to her and yes when I did talk to her manager and asked for her to be fired....I meant it....and still do....that girl needs some serious compassion lessons in life.....

i will post my speech later...it was a great tribute....

It was to my father....

It was for my father....

It was to the man that has yelled at me, loved me unconditionally, and has taught me everything that I know...

It was to the man that I would give anything to hear his voice again....

To have one last hug....

To know he was just there for me....

To say I miss him is an understatement and it's only been 9 days...216 hours....12,960 minutes....777,600 seconds....

I want my dad back and no one can do that for me....no one can make it easier for me....

I'm here now without you dad....and you know I love you so much....life isn't stopping.....pain isn't ceasing....but I know in time it will....I have to keep thinking of all the good memories....making your coffee.....and making today worth every minute....so here it goes....

Damned if I do....

you know the saying....you know how it goes....you're damned if you do and damned if you don't....it's really a no win situation....and you have to think and feel, really? really?? or at least that's what I say....

Conversations are always great, but mean really nothing if you don't have communication...this my folks is the key word....communication...don't be afraid y'all say it with me....communication...you can talk, you can have conversations, hell you can do a lot but with out the whole communication component it's just really all bullshit...For instance (and I know you all love my whole little scenarios I throw out here) you can be in the same room with someone and be talking to them for a good hour and feel like you got a lot talked thru and your at a good point...then to only have the next day a series of text messages full of resentment and anger towards you and you sit there going wtf?? Did we not just have a great night? Again communication....you see some people just don't get it...they don't want to hear or listen to others, they have the victim syndrome...which by the way i have had....seriously I have and it sucks so I physically pulled my head out of my ass and told myself that the world owed me nothing and I had to buck up and move on....but i can't answer for the rest of you....and I can't answer for the ones that say they are listening only to learn that they only want to hear or feel what they want and need...

Can ya tell I'm having a day??

I don't know....really I don't....life really shouldn't feel this emotional all the damn time...it's like it's a daytime soap opera stuck on the worst episodes over and over....and the only point I've gotten so far outta all of this is I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't....

Come what may...

Dear 2 readers.....

I apologize for my tardiness and nonexistence from my blogging....no excuse that I actually do have to do that "work" thing that is so overrated....seriously who wants to spend 8 hours out of the day working....not too many people that I know....I would like to meet the person who invented the "work week"......really, I mean really... you thought we needed a WEEK to work and 2 days to relax and have fun?? It had to be a man.....not really thinking the whole thing through....because a women would have probably switched it up a bit to make a little more sense and life a little less stressful....

Anywho!

It's Friday....

It's nice out......

It's Friday.....

It's near drinking time....

It's Friday....

So you have to think positive and have on happy pants for just that reason....I really wish I would have been proactive and took a little bit more vacation time...but since fall is my favorites of seasons maybe I'll just gorge myself when the cool weather comes....

oh and my life of turmoil, confusion, twists, turns, separation of right and wrong, anxiety, sadness, happiness and all of those other thoughts and feelings thrown in are all still there....life is still a little bundle of what the flock will happen today but hell, realizing that you have it to wake up to and taking the good with the bad and always remembering that the best thing of today is it's a new day....it's a new choice....it's always a new start....so come what may....

WTF....well that's fantastic...

Well happy Friday ya'll....it's hot, humid and very uncomfortable, did I also mention it's 7:12 in the morning...oh and that it's hot?

Besides the fact that it's summer finally, can I get an amen, it has now turned from blessed cool temps with rain to the inferno heat that takes your breath away when you enter the wonderful outdoors..but I'll take it...it means that seasons are once again changing and before you know it I'll be bitching that it's cold....

SO...to get on my happy pants for once (I truly am a happy person...I really am...I'm fun times even tho this blog does make me seem to be a huge depressed debbie downer) I wanted to go through my likes and loves....

1. my kids...duh...that's an easy one for the simple fact that they are nothing short of amazing and God bless the best kids in the world....even when they whine, fight, want my money or even don't listen to simple instructions...I thank God everyday for those wonderful creatures....and the best feature is they are now self-serve for food and watering....

2. Soda...I love my diet coke or coke zero....kinda addicted to it....i keep saying I'm going to quit....I should quit ....

3. McDonalds fries...oh how I love thee....super size those bastards please....end of story

4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzards....really do I have to explain why I love this wonderful concoction?

5. Breakfast...I really really love breakfast....like really...all of it...wait I take that back, I'm really not a sausage girl...so please if you are going to be making me breakfast in bed or breakfast at all for that matter hold the sausage....

6. Sleeping in or sleeping period with the rain....nothing is more relaxing than going to bed with rain tapping on the window or the roof....love it...

7. Watching the stars....give me a blanket and a great summers night and I'm a happy girl...

8. Ms. pacman...I rule...period....

9. Camping...anytime you can go days without showering and consider it the norm you really can't go wrong...eating cheeseburgers for breakfast, dinner and supper...beer is the staple beverage for breakfast, dinner and supper....that's a good time....

10. My friends and family...they are the bomb...my sister....oooooh my sister...that women has listened to me ramble, rant, cry, sob, scream...you name it...and told me how I'm this amazing person every time I feel like I'm nothing and I'm at my weakest point, she has worried over me more than a sister ever should...I have a cousin who is the most amazing friend I could ever have....I pretty much have him as my brother....we don't need to talk everyday..hell we can go months without talking, but he's always there, he's always been there and I'm blessed to have him....my parents, where to start...we haven't always gotten along who doesn't at times but they are there through thick and thin...every disappointment, every tear, every laugh...they are there....and my friends...I really don't have a lot of "close" friends anymore...which stinks since i used to have a lot...I've kinda secluded myself away from the world, but the true friends I know that I still have, I know I can ask them for anything and they would be there in a heartbeat....

so see...I'm not all gloom and doom...here's to a great weekend....

That was then....this is now....

So folks....here is the situation....

As many of you (I'd like to think that I have a large reading base so please play along with me) know I have had a shitty year...shouldn't say shitty shitty but a pretty dog gone not good year...I've been left alone, or left while others decided if I was what they wanted and during this time I was certain....no I was positive that this was what I wanted, this person was worth every little bit of stress, pain and heartbreak that I was going through....I felt alone, I felt that no one knew me like this person...no one would ever want someone as broken as me.....

Fast forward a bit....

He's back...he says he's sorry....he says he loves me....yet I don't feel like I did....I have so many resentment issues I want to scream....

Trust is gone....hurt is in its place

Faith is gone....doubt is in its place

And i wonder....I wonder everyday and night what I'm doing....why I'm doing what I'm doing....is it because I fought for you for so long...I wanted to fix what was broken...but now all that is broken is me....all that is still hurt and confused is me...

No pity party needed...I'm doing it and have done it to myself....so yes I know suck it up stop bitching and do what needs to be done to be happy...new chapter....

I never had doubt....I never wondered how I felt....

That was then....this is now.....

When you feel like...

Maybe it's me....which could very easily be...but there are times, days, moments, hours, seconds...you get the vibe I'm trying to throw at you....but I have these times where I have these feelings....

Sometimes I feel like it's me against the world....I have no one in my corner, and I'm fighting with everyone around me and there is the word "sane" doesn't seem to exist in any ones vocab....where the tears are streaming down my face because the frustration that is overwhelming me is too much to bare....where my voice is drowned by the snowball effect of one person hating/disliking the other and I'm in the middle and no matter what I say or do it's the wrong thing to say or do.....

then - oh but then....there are times where i feel like I have the world....I am victorious - I can have it all....and I know that I do have it all...everything falls into the proper place....everyone is civil to the next person....no one wants to fight....people choose their battles and realize that really it's all not that important to be the head honcho....

Sometimes i just feel ok....which is ok.....

Sometimes i just feel mad....which is also ok.....as long as I don't kick the dog, attack anyone or harm anything....which hasn't happened so I'm thinking my craziness isn't conflicted with anger management....whooh!

And today? oooooh today.....my favorite...insert sarcasm.....confusion....Confused.....conflustered....you get the point....when you feel like your lost....or just in a floating dream of mixed sorts of reality and fiction.....when you can dream up what you want the scenario to play out, but wonder if it will.....and the fog just isn't lifting.....

Oh you damn fog.....

Oh you damn heart.....

Oh you damn heart.....

I'm thinking buying that country cd wasn't the best pick me up this weekend....I'm going to have to go for maybe some Alanis.....insert sarcasm....

So I lied.....

I had mentioned...or I had said that yes, yes I was done talking about the past and I wanted to move on and only talk about rainbows, puppy dogs, and sunshine....I lied - and I apologize right now....

I'm going to talk about it....

Not saying I need to, or I have to....

I want to...

When there are crossroads in your life and you have no one but a wall to talk to at times...or you scramble to find your sanity and pray that you are keeping it together...i remembered how much this helped me....how pouring my gut wrenching, crazy ramblings onto to this page helped....it helped me think it through and it helped me feel better....it made me feel like I had someone to talk to....that I had someone who listened to me...

I felt sane....

I felt better.....

Now I'm not saying that i'm insane right now, or sad....I just have a lot of emotions built up in me....Thoughts that are here that are trapped.....

I wonder when and who it takes to make the past go away...or ill feelings disappear....Do you have to move on in order to make it go away or is that just running away from your problems? Do you build up more resentment even though you tell yourself that you don't resent someone?

I would say I know those answers, but I don't

I would say that I'm happy - but I'm not

I would say that I know what to do, but I don't

I want love

Better yet, i want to feel love....kinda like someone feels the sunshine on a sunny day...

So I guess I did talk about sunshine....not a total liar.....

April, april, april....

To sum up the month of April....rain, rain go away, come again maybe in a couple months?!? It has been a dreary, dreary month...of nothing much but cold weather, mud, rain, ANNNNND snow...yes you read correctly snow....that lovely white stuff that falls in cold temperatures...thank you thank you mother nature...

But today the sun is shining and no rain...and you can tell that peeps needed it...peeps are starting to smile again, and there is this strange sound that is coming out of some folks...think it's been rumored to be a thing called laughter....

Since there has been so much rain, and the backyard is resembling more of a mosh pit than yard of newly sprouts of grass I am twitching and impatiently waiting to get out and till...yes till...a spot for a GARDEN...to say I'm excited is an understatement, I could pee my pants I'm that excited to plant this damn thing....now we should be very clear on the fact, that yes I did grow up on a farm...no I have no green thumb....vegetables have mercy because there is going to be a large abundance of miracle grow, fertilizer (if there's a difference from the miracle grow??) and prays said to get this baby going....

Trust me, I will be the proud parent and post some pictures of my inspiring garden...I'm pretty sure you all can not wait for this and will anxiously be awaiting.....

So we will wait for the yard to dry and look forward to May, may, may.....

364

Yes folks you read it right.....364

That's 364 days that have gone by....tomorrow will mark 365.....and Saturday will mark 366....

You may ask why count or why think about this....why look at it like that, when I preach and preach about moving forward...think forward...don't look back....

In a way I contradict myself....ok, I a lot contradict myself...hellllooooo, do you not read my prior posts?!?

I have moved on....I do look forward, but I'm always reminded of my past year....I'm such a different person....at times I like the person and at other times I wonder where the hell or who the hell I really am....

Am I just now this cookie cutter of a person trying to be this perfect human being....trying to make sure others are happy and am I really happy? or am I just convincing myself daily that this is what I begged for...this is what I wanted....

but am I happy....

I am happy in different ways....

I am satisfied in different ways.....

I am stronger in many ways....

I know this post is a lot of rambles and not much is going to make sense.....but I have a lot jumbled up in this noggin of mine.....

I want the next 364 days to be different....

I know life brings stress, but I want to be as carefree, drama free as possible....I want to plan weekend getaways, and getaway....I want to enjoy my kids and really enjoy them....I want to hear them tell me stories and actually hear the story....

After today's post the mood of this blog is changing...the "type" if there ever has been a type will be different....

I'm moving on from the past and going to be only talking about the good and the now....

Soooo, I know my 1 or 2 readers...this is what you have to look forward too....more blogging and talks of puppy tails, rainbows and fluffy clouds....

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Gives so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you!

Gone but not forgotten....

I know...I know....I am a horrible blogger....to my small crowd of readers, I apologize......

There has been many times that I have gone here to jibber jabber my random thoughts of chaos....to type away when I have had some tears....to share a smile or two that have come across my face.....but I haven't.....I have been a ghost lately when it comes to this site.....

I think for the simplicity of it all, I have just wanted to disappear....I would still love to disappear, to have a vacation from it all....but then what? Just not face adulthood?? Not face my problems??? Doesn't work that way missy.....you have to put on your big girl panties and suck it up and move on...think forward and work on your problems, mistakes, and relationships.....

I will say for the record that I have become a shitty friend....and I apologize to my friends....I really haven't been that great....and I promise to you all that I will work on my ways.....sometimes I find solitude the best remedy for me and I forget that I'm not the only one in the picture, that my friends deserve answers....they deserve call backs....they deserve that response of an email or text....again, sorry amigos....I will not be an ass anymore....

We are now into 2011....last January I started this wonderful, bubbly (sarcasm) blog....before the fall of Rome (that's what I call it)

It's a new year....and I'm welcoming it....thinking positive, thinking I'm grateful.....thinking I need to relax more, care less of little things that don't' need to consume my thoughts and days.....worry about the ones that love me and that I love, and the rest will fall into place.....

The past is the past.....and for that - AMEN - but even with saying that.....it may be gone, but it's still not forgotten.....