Sweaters....heaters and a lot of cocoa....

So I'm thinking it's here....I'm going to go out on a limb and dare to say that the lovely above average temps are gone....the mornings to run out of the house without a jacket have come and gone....the lovely nights that you can sit outside and gaze mindlessly up in the sky with just a blanket are done....unless of course you'd like to add a sleeping bag, parka, hat, gloves and some boots....

My favorite fall time is done.....sadly once again it went way too fast....no apple orchards this time, no pumpkin patches....not to say that we won't be carving a pumpkin or two yet...

Next will be the snow, the lovely scooping of the white fluffy shit that breaks my back every year, and I vow to get a snow blower and because I feel it's pointless or maybe it's because I secretly think if I get one it will snow and if I don't it wont?? Either way, it snows....and I don't like it....

I do like Christmas, the baking, the music, the food, the smells, the lights, the Santa Claus letters and of course being with family.....

So on to the next season.....here's to a hopefully uneventful next few months....this crazy gal could use some quiet time....non drama filled days, with nothing but some sweaters, heaters and a lot of cocoa.....

look at you...look at me....

There are certain people who bring out the best in you. Just being around them raises your game, makes you a better version of yourself. Let go of those who whittle you down, little by little, to fit you into their smaller experience of the world.

-Karina Allrich

I don't think anyone realizes what or who they surround themselves with....unless you stop and methodically think of your friends, your co-workers, your family.....and think of how you feel when you are with a certain group or a certain person....I know that I have had the thoughts when I'm with certain peeps...I know who to go to when i need to cry....I know who to go to when I need to laugh....I know who to go to when I need that feeling...the feeling of nothing yet everything tied up into one...

It's said that there is someone out there, someone that you don't even know that loves you....which by the way i find incredibly odd....how if they don't know me, could they possibly love me? I am quite a difficult person...I'm stubborn, I'm extremely independent, yet still dream/wish/want that knight in shining armor to come and rescue me...I talk too much, I cry over the craziest things, I have an opinion about everything....and yet with all of this, you're saying some stranger loves me?? I'll take it....

With that being said....looking at who you have around you, to absolute strangers...you have to think, no...you would have to know how delicate and how precious your time is....how what you do, what you say effects someone....you may not even know who at the time, but it changes something in someones life....

Look at you and look at me....no need to judge, no need to worry, no need to pick apart....live your life....live your dreams....be happy for you....because what Tom Cruise said is bullshit....no one else can complete you....you complete yourself.....

So smile biotches.....

Where have you been...

It's friday and it's a beautiful morning...

As I mentioned I love fall....love the crisp mornings...the smell of the air....it's perfect....

I've been once again struggling, as you can tell from my last couple posts....I've had a few others, that thank goodness I did not post....peeps would have probably driven to my home to commit me to the loony bin or take away all sharp objects....

I've been given solitude, I've been given space, I've been given time...and during this I thought I wanted something, thought I needed something....maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm delusional....but I had my mind set...I thought everything was already in place and I that I would be making the biggest mistake in my life if I even doubted or placed doubt....my strength that I had accumulated had disintegrated and crumbled over time, leaving me to act like a huge pile of self-doubt....

It took one word

It took one action

It took one moment

To change me...

To open my eyes...

To realize....

I had nothing...

I never had anything...

I had a thought...

I had a hope...

I was looking for something that had never been or was ever there...

It was fictional...

Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them....I forgot this...with all my glorious sayings hanging all around me....I forget to pay attention, I tend to ignore the signs and follow my heart....

As a wise friend told me....remove your heart and dont go on your emotions...you need to look at it without emotion....

They were right....and I'm blessed that I have the friends that I have to pull me up, dust me off and find me...the real me...because no one wants a bed wetter.....and the debbie downer look does not look good on me...

Respect.....

Who could say it better than Aretha Franklin....R-E-S-P-E-C-T....such a powerful word....if you look up the definition of this glorious word this is what you find....

re·spect
(r-spkt)
re·spect·ed, re·spect·ing, re·spects
1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3. To relate or refer to; concern.

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one's respects.
5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail:

I have so much to say for this.....so much....I watch other people....or I need to correct that....I watch couples....other couples amaze me....I'm envious....very envious of a women that has a man listen to her....look at her....talk to her.....respect her....

You have nothing without respect....yes I know that you have to have honesty and all that other bullshit too but without respect you have nothing....you have a power struggle between two people trying to be in control...trying to make the other be/do what they want....that my friends is not a relationship....it's not respect....it's a nightmare...it's a horrible nightmare, that no one deserves....no one needs to feel not worth the respect of the person who is suppose to be your best friend...your lover...your partner....

Ready...Set....Go

One life....

That's what you are given....precious gift of a new day...

You are given obstacles.....you are given challenges...you are given the ups and downs like the waves of an ocean....

You are given sunrises....you are given sunsets...

Sometimes you get the breath taken right out of you....sometimes you have a whole where your heart should be.....

But you will realize, that you have one life....

So live it...

Let it go....

Live it....ready...set...go....

Dear Heart

I'm writing you today because I need a favor....I need you to listen to me and listen to me very carefully.....I'm tired...very tired....I'm weak....very weak....and I need you Mr. Heart to understand some things....

I'm sorry I gave you to someone who couldn't treat you right....I'm sorry that I gave you to someone who would over and over want to hurt you the way that they have.... I do have to take some responsibility and add that I have given them the chances...I have given them the opportunities to come back and hurt you and I"m sorry....every time I'm strong enough, every time I'm happy enough to move on, I foolishly open the door again... I'm the one who believes the lies... but Mr. Heart you don't stop me...this is where the favor comes in....

Mr. Heart you need to let go....I will cry yes...but Mr. Heart please let it go....

The empty feeling that is surrounding me... the empty feeling that still haunts me, will not go away until you let go....I've been alone far too long Mr. Heart....I've been unloved long enough....

We both know that love does exists....and it may not be a fairytale but it's not like this....

Someone will love you Mr. Heart and someone, the next time I give you away will not hurt you....I promise you this.....

So Mr. Heart let go....we can't change anyone for anything at anytime....it's time....

Simplicity....giggles...and some good stuff...

I have a new mission....and like most missions, I'm determine to conquer this quest....I am going to simplify...completely simplify my life.....I'm stripping down to the bones and building back up....I've realized after not being able to sleep last night that I have become just like the others that I bitch about....I have become that greedy person who "wants" everything...who has to have everything...when in reality I don't...I don't need anything....I'm driving myself crazy trying to have it all, when all I need is the simple things in life....just like giggles...how simple is a giggle, a smile, a grin...it's the easiest way to show, to see how happy someone is....and how you don't need anything else...all you need is to clear your mind....to see it out of the eyes of a child, and know that you can live your life fuller for less....

I'm all about this challenge....as I'm sitting here, I'm already making a mental picture of shit that I can throw away...sell...give away....and I'm curious as to why I haven't before...why hoard all of this stuff? why keep memories if the memories aren't worth keeping? I want the good stuff....I want the positive feeling of family....as gay as it may sound, I just want it to feel like a home again...i want to fix the broken home, and the broken pieces that are still in it...

In closing here is the latest and greatest saying I have yet to find....

Sink or swim......

There comes a time when you stop and stare at the wall that is facing you and you realize or maybe not realize but you question some of your actions or you question some of your decisions that you have made....or will be making...or want to make....

I've talked about wanting a map...needing a map....the chicken shit way as I call it...because Lord knows that the other ways that I have tried have all been fuck-ups.....not everything...my kids are my world....my life...the best of me...the best of everything...but when it comes to love - dear Lord...yes I said it...dear Lord...I can't get it right...I've tried...I've begged...I've pleaded...all I want is that love to be loved....to be accepted as I am...to have that partner, that one that I've dreamed for...made up in my little mind..he's there...he's not perfect, but he's mine...he loves me...he wants to make me happy..he wants to wipe my tears....he wants to hold me, and make it all go away...he wants to be there....he wants to be there....

I don't want perfect...I know better...I wouldn't want to live the fantasy life... I want real....

This comes back to staring at that wall....

Taking that step...

Feeling that knot in your stomach...

And holding your breath as you make that leap...

You make that decision....

You sink or swim.....

The tugs of times..

It is Friday....can I get a AMEN to that?! Even though we were blessed with a 4 day work week, it still seemed to take FOREVER to get here...crazy how that works....

I'm happy to report that I'm once again conflicted with the avenues in my life....again it's part of life and the roller coaster of feelings, and I understand that nothing will be easy and you have to work for things that you want in life....but what about the things I don't want in life...where is the button to stop all actions or emotions to end? The road map that I ordered to help direct me, is obviously lost in the mail because I still have yet to receive it.....

I guess though if things were easy where would we build our great character that makes each of us unique individuals...hell I'd say fuck the personality tell me what I need to do...

I wonder if others feel the tugs of times...do you feel pulled yet you don't know in what direction....do you have a sense of what you should be doing, then get a tug of doubt...a tug of question....because then you are reminded that your actions will last forever....one action changes your future....no matter how big or small....

I know such deep thoughts on a Friday...but my brain is a thinking...and we all know that means nothing but trouble or crazy rambling thoughts....I know in the end whatever happens was meant to be....Life is simple, we only cloud it with bullshit and complex issues.....

Sunny thoughts....crabby pants....

Yes, the title is true...it's sunny outside, the weather is beautiful and yet i have this crabby tug going on....it all started two days ago....

September 1st.....woke up loving the month....embraced it, looked good, did my hair....got little man ready, it was a good morning.....so far......brought little man to daycare, running late....very late, dropped him off and zoomed to work...well on the way to work Mr. Police Officer thought that he would pull me over and remind me that going 51 in a 40 is not safe....thanks jack-ass, and even better after the $150 ticket, he told me he knocked it down not to effect my insurance...i glance down at the ticket....50 in a 40....thanks jack-ass......so I'm pissed at the month of September at this point, not thinking I should have been watching my speed...just easier to blame something else......

get to work, glance at my bank account and realize that my kid's fabulous picture place decided to take out my payment twice....thanks jack-asses once again!!! Because yes please - I'm made of money.....September

I had a presentation to give...a power point presentation for a CEO....it would have been great if I could have found that power point......September

It was a snowball of events....it didn't just stop there and that all happened before 9:30....yeah, you read it right....9:30.....sweetness....frick'n September.....

So now today...before my weekend I'm determined to stop my hatred for September.....I need to knock the shit off and take off the crabby pants and say fuck it....I woke up today, my kids are good...enjoy the frick'n sun lady and get over your shitty shitty attitude....

Cheers for the weekend....here's to losing the crabby pants....

tgif......

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out

love, and to let it come in.

- Morrie Schwartz

Changing of seasons....

I love fall....i love the coolness in the mornings, sleeping with the windows open, the smell of the air and the sport of my heart......football.....

I love fall....i love knowing that my summer of mowing the lawn is done, my electric bill from running the air is over and the instant sweat starting from the minute i open the door till i get back into the air conditioning has come to an end.....

I love fall.....i love the colors of the leaves, the natural beauty of the scenery....no need for any boughten product to make any changes....its priceless what mother nature can do.....

I love fall....the apple orchard trips, the pumpkin patches, the anticipation of the upcoming holidays, and the preparation for winter......

it's amazing though to me...as fast as fall came, how fast it will go....in a blink I'll be cussing about the snow, the ice and the dreaded 20 minutes it takes me to just leave the house....

Take a breath, take a moment....we all forget to, we all need to be reminded....life is a gift - smile, shut-up and love like there is no tomorrow....

Where did it go....

So i had to do the unthinkable this morning....i shouldn't say the unthinkable....but I had to do something that I wasn't looking forward to....

I had to let go of my baby....my youngest child has started school....

It was tough....

There were tears (mainly me)....

And there was and is a sense of mystery....

Where did the time go, where did all of our years of the infant and toddler stages go....where did my baby go??

I can't forget to add that I also had to send my oldest to High School....not a misprint...High School.....it hurt....my babies are growing up...my time switch of stopping or pausing the moments is not working....they are ready, and they want to tackle the world....but as a parent I'm not ready for the world to have them....I want to keep them wrapped up and needing their mom.....I know, I know they'll still need me, but in different ways....but I'll take it....and I'll watch them grow, and marvel the world with their beauty....

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
-
Mother Teresa

here you are....

I was waiting for you....

I was hoping that you wouldn't come back for me....

I was quite happy without you....

I was not sad....

I was not crying....

I was in a good spot....

I was smiling more....

I was laughing a lot.....

I had faith again in good....

I had hope that it was alright.....

I wasn't confused.....

I wasn't lonely....

I was content....

I was.....

And here you are again....

What are you doing here....

Why did you come back for me....

Why can't you leave me alone....

Why can't I be stronger....

Why can't I stop this vicious cycle.....

Why can't this stop....

I was waiting for you....

And here you are.....

True thoughts for a Friday.....

I'd have to agree with the phrase "the hardest part is letting go"...I've been there, and the hardest part of anything in life is letting go...you want to hold on to everything....

when you're a parent you want to hold onto your children, you don't want to see them fail, you don't want to see them hurt, you want to guard them and protect them from everything...then you realize that you have to let them go....

when you have a partner whether you are married or have been in a relationship and you come to the crossroads of having to decide what is best for you, when the passion is gone, the fights are constant and the hurt is a burn....you have to decide if the love that you have is pure and for the right intentions anymore....if what you are feeling makes sense, if you are holding on for the right reasons or if you are just scared of the loneliness or the what ifs....when you come to that moment, and not matter how much it hurts......you realize that you have to let them go....

I think the best way to say it is...

in the end these things matter most

How well did you love?

How fully did you live?

How deeply did you let go?

Fixing the broken....

Relationships are like glass...sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together......

Now this is completely my opinion...my thoughts, my feelings...kinda like this whole blog is....but I believe everyone is broken...everyone wants to be fixed in one way or another.....let me explain...





I am broken....not like heart broken, or emotionally broken (like I once was) but I am broken...I have had different situations, different times of my life that have happened that I wish I could change, that have changed me...for the good, bad, you name it....and I can't make it go away...I can fix it, revamp my attitude - but it will always be this broken part of me.....kinda like how they say, you can fix a broken mirror but you can always see the crack....you can fall and get hurt but you will always see the scar...and that's okay...it's okay to have your faults be known....it's okay to be broken....because in the end I believe, again just me throwing it out there...everyone is broken, and we can all fix the broken as long as we're not trying to cover up our past, because we have to remember the thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.....

Focus, focus focus....

Looking back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life - and it was you. It is not too late to find that person again. Robert Brault

I believe it's easy to lose yourself...to get caught up in moments where you don't know who you are or which way you should be going....yes I'm sure there are the peeps out there that have everything together and their lives are just grand, but I would like to think that it's just a facade...made up...nobody's perfect or has this "perfect" life....it can be good, hell it could be great...just not perfect....

Everyone needs time to themselves, and to focus on their needs....make yourself the best person you can be....life is short, life is too damn short....live it and be it....

I agree...

Off the beaten path...

I found this and I can't stop laughing.....Happy Thursday....

Contagious and content....

no, i have nothing contagious....just lately I have this smile that doesn't

go away...it's this great feat that I have accomplished that I never

thought would get here....shouldn't say never, but you know what I

mean....

I've realized that we accept the love we think we deserve....we

accept and put up with anything and everything when we're in love and

fighting for what we want...what we think we cant live without...I've come

full circle....I like knowing that I'm not going to be a doormat to anyone

ever again in my life...I like knowing that I am important and I will

be loved for who I am, not what I want to be projected as a "perfect"

person....I am me and I will continue to be me because the best thing you

can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good

mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you...the right

person's still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass.....

Beer and skittles....

Beer and skittles

Function: noun plural but singular or plural in construction

1. a situation of agreeable ease

2. amusement; pleasure; fun.

3. a good time

4. an expression that roughly equates to cool, tight, awesome, etc.

With a title like that you have to wonder what the hell am I thinking....I had this crazy thought, I was thinking about skittles..yes skittles...as weird as it may seem -but not as in the candy, but as in the way of like having a "scattering" of thoughts...hundreds of things racing and shuffling through your mind....then I heard a phrase of "Life isn't all beer and skittles... Life is not unalloyed pleasure or relaxation." Beer and skittles?? So I'm curious, and I google skittles and it comes up with bowling....really?? really...bowling?!? Yeah....so I was then like I guess life is like bowling...not to get too deep, but it kinda is....in life you get knocked down, and it's up to us to have the courage to get back up - regroup and get on with it....and then look at that obstacle that is trying to knock us down, push us over and say "screw you"

Life is not all beer and skittles....but hell, it is what it is and I'll drink to that.....

Wish it...Dream it...Do it...

Getting organized isn't as easy as it seems with a woman who writes down everything....seldom without names/dates/purposes...just random scribblings...or maybe not so random - they actually do have a purpose and a reason...just can't think of from what meeting or what convo that it came from....yeah that happens...I'm trying to fix it but right now it's not as important as my other missions that I have going on...but it's getting better...somewhat......

I'm now working on some of my short term goals....yes the goals that I set ions ago, and I'm now actually focusing on them....making myself a priority in my own world....funny, yet not how I let me become so unimportant on my own future, how I let my dreams go and focused on someone else for so long....

I was given a huge gift when I got this promotion....I beat out over 30 applicants for my position that I never even applied for....just wrote an email to the director and told him about my passion for this field....I remember how high I was...I remember feeling soo important and golden....then my passion was put out...my everything was gone, but in reality I still had the world, I was just beat down to not seeing my purpose, my dreams, the good that I could be....so I'm back proving myself and throwing everything I have back into my work...and it's good...very good

I know this for sure...something I have always known, just got a little side-tracked....I can wish it....dream it....do it.....

Yeah....That just happened....

I wonder if it's just me or if others go through the motions of the days wondering at times...really? really?...Did that just happen?!? Not necessarily in a bad way....just catching yourself realizing how precious time really is...how the value of time can change you.....

Last night I took a look at myself....really looked at myself....I no longer feel empty, I don't have a partner to fill that void and I'm ok with that...something I haven't been able to say for a very long time...I have my smile back, which I have missed...I have my laugh back, which my kids have missed...I have my dignity back..which hello, who wouldn't miss that?!? It's just a great feeling to be ok with me again...to be me again....

It didn't come overnight, or with a huge "holy shit" moment.....but it's here....it happened....

Feel Good Friday.....

That's all I got...I feel good, tired yet good.....and it's Friday....BONUS my kiddos have set a schedule of bag tourneys (which will surely lead to a fight), ladder golf, swimming, some form of eating a lot of junk food, and a wedding dance with crazy relatives that is sure to be interesting....have to love that line-up

What I was...where I am...what I'm going to be....

I think that if you are here right now and you have been reading this blog...you know what I was....don't think this needs too much explanation...I was unhappy, sad, angry, disappointed, annoyed, hurt, happy at some points, confused, think I was pretty much a jumble of emotions....I was lost is what I was....

Where I am.....I like it.....I really like it....it feels good now when I wake up....it feels good to kiss my kids and giggle with them again about the craziest things that they say, and actually "be" in the conversation and not having to have them repeat their stories because I'm so focused on other issues....I love our sporadic dancing yet once again in the kitchen, busting out the moves for no reason other than we want to have a dance party USA at that moment.....I like not walking on eggshells....waiting for the other shoe to drop....I like feeling this....feeling like the old me....the me that doesn't have to fake happiness, it's just there.......so that leaves....

What I'm going to be......I'm going to be fabulous, I'm going to be just fine, I'm going to have fun with my life, I'm going to take random road trips to podunk towns, I'm going to live my life.....I'm going to love and be loved....I'm going to trust and be trusted.....

I like it....quite frankly - I love it.....because I'm ready for it....

The moment....

You have moments where situations are created....and feelings are felt......

Moments that feel good....hell they feel great and you don't want that moment to end....you want the nights to last longer....you want the conversations to never end....and you want the kisses to last.....

Moments are created in a blink of an eye, the chances we get with our lives, our families are ours that happen by choice, fate or chance.....

My negative blogs are ending...my "moment" has lasted way too damn long with the pity party....my kids, family and friends have been my lifeline, they have beat it in my head that it's not me...to get over it, to realize who I am and what I have to offer....to stop living in the bad moments...

So here I am today...blessed by so many moments that have happened to make me smile today...to make me feel as good as I do....to have this good....no great moment......

Every day I love you less and less.....

"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more."-Erica Jong

It’s amazing how feelings change…when you are at a point of your life and you don’t think you could ever love again….or ever love someone else anymore than what you have….or put yourself out there, to let go of the past…really let go of it…

The past seven months have been difficult…they have been full of hurt, tears, anger and many other emotions…I thought that I would never feel better, I thought my heart would always hurt….I thought wrong…it has taken time and for a very impatient, instant gratification kind of girl…time is the enemy….when you want it fixed now, you see no sunlight……

I see sunlight now….and I can honestly say now every day I love you less and less

Bullshit....

Can do, can do....

We accept the love we think we deserve, just like we accept the happiness that we think we deserve....

My thoughts, feelings for the day....fuck....they're all over the place.....not in a bad way...in a good way....my itty bitty brain is exploding with thoughts.....my actions, my emotions are finally getting in track I feel....my grasp on situations is getting firmer....I'm feeling more in control, which is great...not in control as in "it's my way or no way" just as I can get what I need said properly ...I'm glad to say that my stock in Kleenex can finally go down a bit....tears are not shed every hour on the hour, and in fact they are not shed every day....

My heart is healing....my heart is growing - which is odd, and true folded into one....

I'm getting things figured out....slowly but surely....which is fine by me....I still of course want would love instant gratification....but I will take the slow route for now....and stick with my can do attitude....

Field of dreams....

You live and let live and eventually, that becomes enough.....

True statement, when it comes down to the sane part of me...yes there is one ; ) I do have my moments of why things are good, why life is the way it is....why the world goes round....

Wearing your heart on your sleeve can take a toll on a person....you become emotional over the tiniest factors, you feel like you become a freak of nature when it comes to your waterfall of tears 24/7 over sometimes the most annoying little things....and you can't stop...you try, you want to....and it's like "wtf?!?" why am I crying!!

I know, I know....deep breathing...take a walk...all those grand gestures....it's just crazy to think of how I've changed....the good, the bad...I've changed....some changes I love and some changes are driving me crazy...I miss my free spirit....I miss my go with the flow attitude....I want that back....I need that back...

Last night, was a crazy night...I cling....think that's the best way to put it....I cling, and want....when I know I need to relax, and let it all go....day by day, it is what it is...all that good jazz....there is no magical pill....there are no magical words....there isn't a field of dreams....this is it...this is life....you just have to live it.....

oh baby my baby....

I love my babies....really can't call them babies anymore....but as a mom, I have this selfishness of always having them being "mine", "little", and of course they need me....

It's amazing to me looking back how all I wanted was time to hurry up...I wanted to hurry up and be 14 so I could drive my damn moped....then I wanted to hurry up and turn 16 so I could drive a car....then it was off to hurrying up so I could be done with school....all I wanted was time to go fast....and my wise parents kept telling me not to wish the time away...what did they know I thought...they were old and crazy to me at that time....and now I look at my "babies" and I know exactly how they felt....as I watch and hear my kiddo's wish they were older, wish they were driving...wishing the time away....

Time is our best friend and our worst enemy it feels like at moments...you either don't have enough of it or you have too much...