That was then....this is now....

So folks....here is the situation....

As many of you (I'd like to think that I have a large reading base so please play along with me) know I have had a shitty year...shouldn't say shitty shitty but a pretty dog gone not good year...I've been left alone, or left while others decided if I was what they wanted and during this time I was certain....no I was positive that this was what I wanted, this person was worth every little bit of stress, pain and heartbreak that I was going through....I felt alone, I felt that no one knew me like this person...no one would ever want someone as broken as me.....

Fast forward a bit....

He's back...he says he's sorry....he says he loves me....yet I don't feel like I did....I have so many resentment issues I want to scream....

Trust is gone....hurt is in its place

Faith is gone....doubt is in its place

And i wonder....I wonder everyday and night what I'm doing....why I'm doing what I'm doing....is it because I fought for you for so long...I wanted to fix what was broken...but now all that is broken is me....all that is still hurt and confused is me...

No pity party needed...I'm doing it and have done it to myself....so yes I know suck it up stop bitching and do what needs to be done to be happy...new chapter....

I never had doubt....I never wondered how I felt....

That was then....this is now.....

When you feel like...

Maybe it's me....which could very easily be...but there are times, days, moments, hours, seconds...you get the vibe I'm trying to throw at you....but I have these times where I have these feelings....

Sometimes I feel like it's me against the world....I have no one in my corner, and I'm fighting with everyone around me and there is the word "sane" doesn't seem to exist in any ones vocab....where the tears are streaming down my face because the frustration that is overwhelming me is too much to bare....where my voice is drowned by the snowball effect of one person hating/disliking the other and I'm in the middle and no matter what I say or do it's the wrong thing to say or do.....

then - oh but then....there are times where i feel like I have the world....I am victorious - I can have it all....and I know that I do have it all...everything falls into the proper place....everyone is civil to the next person....no one wants to fight....people choose their battles and realize that really it's all not that important to be the head honcho....

Sometimes i just feel ok....which is ok.....

Sometimes i just feel mad....which is also ok.....as long as I don't kick the dog, attack anyone or harm anything....which hasn't happened so I'm thinking my craziness isn't conflicted with anger management....whooh!

And today? oooooh today.....my favorite...insert sarcasm.....confusion....Confused.....conflustered....you get the point....when you feel like your lost....or just in a floating dream of mixed sorts of reality and fiction.....when you can dream up what you want the scenario to play out, but wonder if it will.....and the fog just isn't lifting.....

Oh you damn fog.....

Oh you damn heart.....

Oh you damn heart.....

I'm thinking buying that country cd wasn't the best pick me up this weekend....I'm going to have to go for maybe some Alanis.....insert sarcasm....

So I lied.....

I had mentioned...or I had said that yes, yes I was done talking about the past and I wanted to move on and only talk about rainbows, puppy dogs, and sunshine....I lied - and I apologize right now....

I'm going to talk about it....

Not saying I need to, or I have to....

I want to...

When there are crossroads in your life and you have no one but a wall to talk to at times...or you scramble to find your sanity and pray that you are keeping it together...i remembered how much this helped me....how pouring my gut wrenching, crazy ramblings onto to this page helped....it helped me think it through and it helped me feel better....it made me feel like I had someone to talk to....that I had someone who listened to me...

I felt sane....

I felt better.....

Now I'm not saying that i'm insane right now, or sad....I just have a lot of emotions built up in me....Thoughts that are here that are trapped.....

I wonder when and who it takes to make the past go away...or ill feelings disappear....Do you have to move on in order to make it go away or is that just running away from your problems? Do you build up more resentment even though you tell yourself that you don't resent someone?

I would say I know those answers, but I don't

I would say that I'm happy - but I'm not

I would say that I know what to do, but I don't

I want love

Better yet, i want to feel love....kinda like someone feels the sunshine on a sunny day...

So I guess I did talk about sunshine....not a total liar.....