the never ending story....

When the sorries are no longer believable, and you have a hollow feeling of despair.....

When even the lies seem to drift in the air, and reality has been impossible to grasp....

When you can feel your heart twist when a voice is spoken, and you know it's not truth...

When the touch is no longer comforting, its one more thing you try to avoid....

When the tears have left an impression on the cheeks, and your eyes can't seem to supply you no more...

That's when you feel like you have a never ending story.....

Thanks - a - giving......

There are days....

There are nights....

There are struggles....

There are battles....

There are tears....

There are lumps in the throat...

There are jumble thoughts in my head....

There are questions....

And I know I won't get the answers.....

And if I did get the answers would I still listen to them....

I don't know why....

I don't know how....

When I can feel so low, so sad, and so so alone, that I can still love you.....

I'm trying so hard.....

I'm trying so so hard.....

I don't want to go out....

I don't want to do anything....

I just want this hurt to go away....

I just want this pain to go away....

I have so many things I want to say....

And I can't, all I can do is sit here....

I know this will get easier....

I know it will stop at some point, but I don't get it...

Am I that stupid? Or do I just thrive on this sadness??

I don't want to be sad....

I wish I could be mad at you...

I wish I could just turn off my heart.....

And on that note, I wish I could turn off my brain....

Just stop thinking....

Thinking of you...

Where you are....

What are you doing....

Are you with someone new?

How can one gal cry this much....

It will be better...

It has to get better....

It will get better....

One day at a time...

And I will get there....

They say what it's how many months, for how many years??

Oh boy....

What ifs.....

They say that you live and learn....

I agree with that to certain points....

I agree that you need to learn sometimes first hand how bad your heart can hurt and break before your heart will let someone go.....not saying that it's easy or that there's a magic button that happens over night....oh god I wish it could happen over night......it's a feeling of a lump in your thought 24/7 for the first couple days....I'm not to the next part yet.....

My daughter says she's proud of me....she says that I'm brave and I'm strong....I wish I could feel brave and strong....I feel like a disappointment....

I keep going back to the what ifs....

What if I would have said this...
What if I would have said that...
What if I would have done this...
What if I would have done that...


No what ifs help....

The only what if I can come up with is this....

What if you would have tried....
What if you would have wanted my family...
What if you would have actually cared....
And the most important....

What if you would have actually loved me....


I'm not that bad....
I'm not that horrible.....
I'm not that unlovable...

I'm not....

So I sit here....

What if.....

And you know what....

I will be ok....

I will be loved....

If not by someone, I know that I will always have my children.....

So no more...

Shut the brain down and focus on one day at time....

then new things....

New what ifs...