Confrustion.....

Yes my friends this is a word....it is in the world and realm between confusion and frustration....also know as confrustion.....

Have you ever wanted to take back steps, actions, days, times.....anything....just take it back and start it over again....or wonder if you knew what was lying ahead that you dare not venture off the beaten path or you change the course in which you were going.....

Do you wonder that if you were given the chance would you do this or would you just not want to know....

I wonder many days and think too much....i think we all can agree on this....i worry or misplace sometimes what I should really be worrying about or what I should really be caring about....

I think this has a lot to do with unhappiness...

Oddly i don't believe I'm a unhappy person....

I think on different levels I am happy....it's just trying to get that whole feeling....like waiting for the stars, moon and sun to align perfectly or whatever that comet to happen right in front of me....

Silly i know....

I just want to let it all out and get a new fresh book....a new fresh life...but not to start over to start now.....I want my little minions in this mixture so I can't go back too far....

I'm just confused....

I'm just frustrated....

Hence confrustion....

Things I Remember.....

I remember preschool....calling my teacher mrs. coffepot because her last name was maxwell and to me that was funny or made sense....our treasure box that I would sneak toys out of (only once or twice)..... standing behind the wall and comparing under shirts with my friend Wade.....and Ben, who at that point was the love of my life, leaving..moving...it was devastating to a 5 year old.....

I remember playing at recess during elementary and being so carefree...building "houses" by scraping the rocks and sand from the ground to have walls/rooms and to see who had the best house and then cry when the older kids ruined it by running through or other grades taking over my prized possession.....

I remember playing twister on the swings....over and over running out after lunch as fast as you could to get the "right" side of the swing set with the "perfect" swings....and always having Teresa being the one to go around since she was the heaviest and that way you could fly super high (sorry Teresa)

I remember bloody noses at school and mom having to come to bring me new shirts

I remember my aunt being the school nurse and not getting away with any fake illness

I remember the psycho that I had to deal with from 4th grade to 7th grade....the numerous plots to push my in front of a truck at recess to taking the knife to carve pumpkins and chase me....thank you Kim for all the numerous counseling sessions and indoor recesses....they were solid...nooooootttttttt

I remember playing with my brother....always playing with him....dressing him up as a girl....making him drink odd drinks....torturing him....good times....

I remember making forts in the grove....either with fallen trees or the old sheds....I would stay out for hours playing by myself....I loved pretending, imagining my world out there.....

I remember getting chased up the tree by our dumb black cow and being stuck there for hours....

I remember going to farm auctions, animal auctions with my dad and not understanding what the hell we were doing.....

I remember my dad buying us kids all bottle lambs....mine was LB (lovable baby) my brothers was Nigger Lips (seriously not being racist he was 5) and my sisters was Blondie....

I remember going to the 80 all the time....our name for our old house that was on 80 acres of land....first there was a house, a garage and sheds....then one by one there was nothing.....and it was here that I stepped out of the corn crib and stepped right into a huge pile of rotten beans...I was forced to ride in the back of the pick-up because of how horrid I smelled....I never knew they smelled that horrible....

I remember babysitters that would take us fun places.....

I remember babysitters that I wished would go places far far away and never babysit again....

I remember fighting with my sister....always....

I remember always having to do chores....

I remember having to ride the bus and hate it....but loved it when cute Craig rode the bus....

I remember the exotic chickens that my dad bought and wondered why do we want more chickens to raise when we have to gather eggs for 8,000 chickens that we already have......

I remember butchering chickens....seriously what child needs that as a trait....a farm kid that's who.....

I remember go carts, riding beans, lazy summer afternoons, playing with cousins, swimming at lakes, fishing with my dad and grandpa, and baking with my mom.....

I remember how simple things were.....

I remember how much I took for granted and do take for granted.....

Who are ya baby....

Yes winter is here and I can seriously, honestly say.....I hate winter......

Yes if you are that superwomen/man and embrace all seasons you could look forward to pulling out the sleds and taking the kiddos down the hills...building snowmen, making the glorious snow angels in your front yard....but I'm going to be honest.....I hate winter.....i hate having to get all bundled up to just go outside....and guaranteed if I don't have to piss within the first 10 minutes of being locked into my snow pants, three pairs of pants, thermal underwear and some over sized parka that is zipped closed with a mile long scarf wrapped 10 times around my neck...I am the one who finds some sort of water/wet spot/or the one ray of sunshine that will soak all of my garments.....it's nice....and fun...

I do like snow days...love them...and I'm not being sarcastic about this one....who doesn't love getting locked away, and knowing you have the excuse that you don't have to do anything....that I love....but for some reason the storm sets in on Friday night and by Sunday night it's all clear and you are free to carry on life as usual on Monday.....really we need to work on this.....I'm all for Monday night storms and all clear by lets say Thursday'ish....one day work week for the all the extra shoveling/scraping/thawing seems practical to me....let's make it happen this season....

I went to a fabulous seminar on Friday....it really was a great seminar, for what I was suppose to be there for took a whole new swing when the speaker spoke of areas that I never really took to heart, or I hear and think of but I never take action on.....goals, expectations....all that deep stuff....I'm all about it....I'm a starter but not a finisher and for once I'd like to actually be held accountable and finish it all....make a goal, or say what I mean/want and actually go all the way....not be that procrastinator that I know and love...but to have a goal, work for it and do it....Nike would love me for all the energy and aspirations that I have right now....

I don't know about anyone else but i have found that I mold myself to something I'm not...I'm a pleaser....I eat things I don't want....i speak up when it's nothing at all but when i want something I go mute.....I want to get along with people, but then I bitch, moan and complain that I give in when in all reality it's my fault.....i don't have to be every ones pleaser....I can eat Chinese if I'm hungry for Chinese.....

I'm not going to announce any drastic statements....I'm just on a mission to figure myself....so I don't have to ask....who are ya baby.....

Ghosts....

Ok so I know that I haven't been the peppiest person....and seriously for those haters, i have had a legit reason these past months.....before that I just shouldn't have been so overwhelmed with situations that I look back on now and know that they consumed too much of my time....

Nothing should make you feel doubt......

Nothing should make you feel inferior.....

Nothing should make you feel sad....

Nothing should make you feel unloved....

Now is the time to move on.....

Now is the time to get over the past.....

I found this saying and I love it...

All is well. You did not come here to fix a broken world. The world is not broken. You came here to live a wonderful life. And if you can learn to relax a little and let it all in, you will begin to see the universe present you with all that you have asked for. Esther Abraham-Hicks

Time to not over think, time to listen, time to let go.....I've said this before i know on here...peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart....that's where I gotta be....going to be....goodbye ghosts...

Past Tense

Mirror mirror on the wall

Tell me something that I don't know

I have so many questions....I have so many thoughts....my days now run over and all seem the same...Funny how I questioned my saneness before, now I doubt I have a sane thought or bone in my body....

I hear his voice....when I think of something I can hear it clearly....I cry because I can hear it and I cry because I don't want to ever not remember it....how his voice sounded....how his actions were...

Were...odd...were, was....all of them....it's hard to put everything into past tense...my whole lingo for my dad has changed....I have to past tense it all....

I don't understand the whole grieving process....I don't understand how I should be feeling.....

I know that I have changed my thoughts about a lot of people....my actions have changed, and sometimes I will admit it's not for the better.....

I have grown a pair....odd that it took this....but I realized that I have to be me.....I can't live my life as someone else or as what someone else wants me to be.....I'm still working on this...but I feel stronger than ever about this...it's crazy scary to change after you have tried so hard to "mold" your life for so long.....

I've learned that some people are selfish and will always remain selfish....this is for another blog post....it's in continuance of me growing a pair...but the ripples are starting and I have a great feeling the wave will be along oh too soon....

some things will not change and some things will never go past tense....I love him, and will always love him....miss you dad

Here it goes...

A week ago Monday my life changed....

The way I think won't be the same...

I know everyone goes through pain, hurt, confusion, guilt and sorrow in their life....

I know you don't get someone back no matter how hard you want or pray....

I wrote a story last Thursday morning...October 6th and read it to a crowd of around 200...I never once looked up into that crowd....when I was finished I had many people come up to me and tell me how proud they were, or how strong I was.....I didn't feel strong....I didn't feel one thing....

I thought I was moody before....oh dear Lord, my emotions and moodiness has me believing that I need to find a padded cell and a straight jacket for myself some days just so I don't hurt anyone....oh and if by the chance of one in a million Amanda from Family Festival Films who was the telemarketer that called last Friday to my parents house...I'm still not sorry that I called you a fucking bitch....seriously if any of you that know me reading this thought I was going to apologize, shame on you.....Amanda was a serious bitch and deserved all the yelling that I gave to her and yes when I did talk to her manager and asked for her to be fired....I meant it....and still do....that girl needs some serious compassion lessons in life.....

i will post my speech later...it was a great tribute....

It was to my father....

It was for my father....

It was to the man that has yelled at me, loved me unconditionally, and has taught me everything that I know...

It was to the man that I would give anything to hear his voice again....

To have one last hug....

To know he was just there for me....

To say I miss him is an understatement and it's only been 9 days...216 hours....12,960 minutes....777,600 seconds....

I want my dad back and no one can do that for me....no one can make it easier for me....

I'm here now without you dad....and you know I love you so much....life isn't stopping.....pain isn't ceasing....but I know in time it will....I have to keep thinking of all the good memories....making your coffee.....and making today worth every minute....so here it goes....

Damned if I do....

you know the saying....you know how it goes....you're damned if you do and damned if you don't....it's really a no win situation....and you have to think and feel, really? really?? or at least that's what I say....

Conversations are always great, but mean really nothing if you don't have communication...this my folks is the key word....communication...don't be afraid y'all say it with me....communication...you can talk, you can have conversations, hell you can do a lot but with out the whole communication component it's just really all bullshit...For instance (and I know you all love my whole little scenarios I throw out here) you can be in the same room with someone and be talking to them for a good hour and feel like you got a lot talked thru and your at a good point...then to only have the next day a series of text messages full of resentment and anger towards you and you sit there going wtf?? Did we not just have a great night? Again communication....you see some people just don't get it...they don't want to hear or listen to others, they have the victim syndrome...which by the way i have had....seriously I have and it sucks so I physically pulled my head out of my ass and told myself that the world owed me nothing and I had to buck up and move on....but i can't answer for the rest of you....and I can't answer for the ones that say they are listening only to learn that they only want to hear or feel what they want and need...

Can ya tell I'm having a day??

I don't know....really I don't....life really shouldn't feel this emotional all the damn time...it's like it's a daytime soap opera stuck on the worst episodes over and over....and the only point I've gotten so far outta all of this is I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't....