Hurt

I cried again tonight…..I don’t know why I did….when I already knew the answer….I already knew the outcome of the night….I guess I was expecting more….I was wanting more….but I should have known better…..

My heart hurts right now….it hurts a lot….my need and want to feel loved is overwhelming….
Its been a lot of days…a lot of hours….and millions of seconds….and no forgiveness insight….no comebacks….

I am me
I am imperfect
I am stubborn on certain moments

But that doesn’t make all of me….that doesn’t give anyone the right to give up on me….or treat me like I’m not a valuable person….that I’m not a valuable wife….

There is a lot to said about past mistakes….mistakes happen, everyone learns from their mistakes….that’s what makes them a better person…that’s what helps them build towards the future….

I love my husband….love him with all of my heart….but he hurts me daily….he’s pulled so far away….

I don’t think he wants to be married….in fact after tonight I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to be married…no one should have to worry or wonder for over 6 hours where their husband is, or if they are coming home…

When you love someone, you respect them…you want to be there for them….you want to make them feel better…you want to comfort them…treat them like they are your number one…..and I don’t have that….what I have is a one way street…

I’ve messed up in the beginning….so does it make it right to be treated like this now? No it doesn’t….I’ve paid my dues…I’ve apologized, I’ve begged, I’ve hung myself out there everyday…….

So I cry….

So I hurt….

Does he care….no sadly he doesn’t…..he doesn’t know what he wants….but I’m figuring it out that it’s not me…it cant be me….otherwise there would be no question….there would be no doubt….there would be no hurt….there would be no tears….and I wouldn’t be alone….I would be with my husband….but I’m not….