Right here waiting......

forgive
-gives, -giving, -gave, -given
1. to cease to blame or hold resentment against (someone or something)
2. to grant pardon for (a mistake, wrongdoing, etc.)
3. (tr) to free or pardon (someone) from penalty
4. (tr) to free from the obligation of (a debt, payment, etc.)
forgivable adj
forgivably adv
forgiver n

The weather is warming up outside which is a great thing. To say that I need sun, warmth, positive signs of energy is an understatement. My month of February has been shit....not going to sugar coat it, it has been hell. My life as I have known it was taken from me and turned into something that I had no control over to where I was at a state of confusion, frustration, anger, happiness, love and any other emotion in a big mumble jumble mess.....my heart and my brain no longer are on the same page I don't believe.

This blog was created for a reason.....it was created before my life got to this point.....it was here to start "talking" or maybe better yet venting. I was trying to get my thoughts out that I couldn't seem to speak to make others understand me....I would talk but the one I wanted to listen didn't get it...or maybe to me it seemed that he didn't care to get it.

Then came February.....I've never been at such a loss in my life.....the lows just kept coming, and coming....it was such a horrid dream, I just wanted to wake up.

Was the whole month that bad you ask? Yes, yes it was.

Did I learn anything from this past month. Yes, yes I did.

A lot in fact....I learned a lot. Good, bad - I learned a lot. The bad was that I had to face that I can't run away from my issues or fears, that I have to face them and own up to my problems or the word I like to use is my "imperfections". I have lied to someone, I have loved and hurt them. Were they big lies, were they little lies....doesn't matter I lied. I teach my children that lying is not ok, you can't lie, it's bad...yet I did it. Seemed so innocent at the time, seemed so easy, not easy as in I was trying to get away with something, but easy as in I was safe. No excuses....to say I've apologized for my wrong doings is an understatement....I have groveled, pleaded and thrown myself at the mercy of the jury to forgive me and to move on. The jury is still out.....the judge is unwilling at this point to move on, he is still focused on the negative past and the lies that hurt him. So I wait.....

Now you have to be curious as to what good I could have learned......the good is that I'm not a bad person....I'm not a horrible compulsive liar. Yes I did something wrong...is it unforgivable, hell no, I didn't cheat, I didn't gamble away all of our money -it was a lie. The good that I learned was that I was lost, I didn't know what direction I needed, I didn't know what was the way to be. My heart, my soul has been hurt many times, it has many scars that are ugly....my trust in people has killed many many relationships and I had a horrible pattern of explosive temperaments, attitude filled tantrums and the whole victim syndrome....the good thing that I learned is that I'm not a victim, I'm not a tantrum filled bitch, and I don't need to throw my temper around.....I do have control, I have control of my feelings and how I want to handle a situation....I have the power to make me the best me I can be.....no one can tell me I'm a piece of shit, no one can tell me that I am not worth anything....no one....because the good thing that I learned this past month is that I'm not perfect, but I'm valuable......extremely valuable...