I gotta be me....

Everything I'm not has made me everything I am.....

Think about it....everything that your not has made you everything that you are today....every mistake, every wrong turn, wrong answer, everything that you haven't had or have lived without has made you who you are today....it has gotten you where you need to be.....

Everyone has it rough once in awhile....everyone goes through times that they believe will never get better....only you have control of the situation....only you have the power......

Your heart can burn because it hurts, has that gut wrenching feeling that makes your eyes well up instantly with tears....feels like nothing is worth a damn, that you have given everything and can't fix the broken....making you wonder do you always have to fix the broken?

Time can be your enemy and your friend.....right now it's both to me.....weird to say or think, but it is....I'm buying time, trying to make up time....trying to find out which yellow brick road to go down.....which one will lead me to the great oz....

Life is too damn short....life is too short not to laugh everyday, not to be kissed good morning or good night....life is too short not to know that you are in the right place....

Which brings me back to..... "Everything I'm not has made me everything I am"

Prove It.....

So I have a friend…and this friend has a way with words….really not….just has two words that are repeated over and over to me “Prove it”

I know why this is being said to me….I understand the concept….just hard to know what to do….I’ve realized that I say the two words “I know” just as much as they say “prove it”…..my infamous words…”I know”….

I was thinking a lot this weekend…I wonder what it will take, I wonder what it will have to feel like…for me to get it…so far, nothing has made me “get it”
I’m losing friends, I’m losing family….do I blame them, no I don’t….I found and have another quote in front of me… “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” ….I love that quote…love it…it’s me…it’s completely me…and I’m allowing it to be me…why I have no clue…why should I be an option…why shouldn't I be someone’s “one” …their priority….the one that they want to be with, hands down, no questions asked no strings attached…no worries….just simple…

I was given an assignment to list 5 positive things about me….not about anything else…about me….which makes a person really think, but when I started I couldn’t think of 5…and now I can’t stop thinking of positive things about me….not to sound cocky, but I do have a lot of good things….and I like it, I love to think that I’ve got a lot to offer…..

So now what to do…like my wise friend keeps telling me….I have to prove it…..

Rewind or Fast Forward

I've been wondering lately if given the chance would I want to rewind time or fast forward.....

Deep question for my simple little mind...but really what would I really want to happen...would I want to go back in time change/fix/re-do some of my mistakes....but then I have done some pretty damn good things....so would I want those to be re-done? And then there's the fast forward....really do I want to speed up time....at this point, right now in this moment yes I do...not a lot of time...but I would love to go ahead a month....just to see...see if what's going on in my life right now is the "right" thing going on in my life right now....I know it so all makes sense doesn't it?!?

I read a quote yesterday and I now have it directly in front of me...."Never expect, never assume, never ask, never demand. Just let it be. Because if it's meant to be, it will happen the way you want things to be"

So then really there is no reason to rewind or fast forward is there?

Don't want to be....

I know that this blog was created for absolutely no purpose other than for me to vent...ramble...get things off of my chest....but reading back...I see how I'm just going in circles...I'm not progressing...some days I may feel like I am...I may write that I am....but I'm not.....

I wish I didn't feel this way.....really I don't....

This morning I was texting someone and they said to me "why do you always have to have drama or be fighting?" and it hit me hard....especially after a god awful night....so then I think....really? Am I the drama.....am I the one.....

I don't feel like I'm drama....because frankly I just want to be happy, that's all I want....I would be just fine being left alone by the rest of the world, just so I could be happy.

Right now I'm just so sucked into this world of hurt and frustration, that I can't even think straight....my mind is like mush, and my thoughts are all over the place....focus and concentration are work...nothing comes easy to me....

So what to do....I need to re-find me, I need to re-find happiness....I need to move on....something that I keep saying that I'm going to do and I haven't.....I can't let go and I need to...it sucks when your heart won't let go...my heart will not let go.....

The blame game....

back·bone–noun
1. Anatomy. the spinal column; spine.
2. strength of character; resolution.
3. something resembling a backbone in appearance, position, or function.
4. Bookbinding. a back or bound edge of a book; spine.
5. Nautical. a rope running along the middle of an awning, as a reinforcement and as an object to which a supporting bridle or crowfoot may be attached.
6. Naval Architecture. the central fore-and-aft assembly of the keel and keelson, giving longitudinal strength to the bottom of a vessel.

I hate the feeling of being sucked into a black hole....thrown around for a bit....spit back out....sucked back down....and repeat.....

Really - who would enjoy such gloom, doom and punishment. No one that's who. No one would want to live a life where everyday it's a blame game of who did what to who or who's right and who's wrong....knowing that you always have to be the "wrong" person even if your not.

To say that I need to re-find my backbone....get a backbone or finally pull my head out of my ass is an understatement....

It's not right for someone to treat another human being like their garbage....

It's not right for someone to never find fault in themselves and push blame 24/7 on someone else....

I'm not saying that you have to pick apart yourself or take blame when it's not needed....I'm just saying that some people need to look at themselves...

No one's perfect....no one expects you to be, but you are expected to be a descent human being to others.

Off the soapbox for the day....

Today......

Today is Friday April 9th......

Today is the first day of my new life.....

Today I guess is a pretty important day.....

This emotional roller coaster has been one helluva ride.....and I havent enjoyed it one bit....ok, I take that back, I have loved the weight loss program that came with it...I watched as I got down to my pre-pregancy weight....then to my high school weight....so this I have enjoyed....but the hollow feeling inside me out weighs this slimfast joy.....

I've learned a lot and will become stronger and better from this all....

I've hurt a lot and I'm sure that I will continue to hurt for awhile.....and go thru the vicious cycle of the highs and lows....

Life will go on.....I will be happy again....but today I'm just here....

Raindrops....

Raindrops are like teardrops....and it's been raining all day.....

I used to listen to the song 'Please don't leave me' and sing it word for word....still do....but it hurts even more to sing it or hear it.....

I really want to know what it's going to take to get thru this....

I really want to know what it's going to take to make my hurt go away....

I truly feel like someone has died....I truly feel as if my heart is being twisted every beat it takes....

Raindrops are like teardrops...and it's been raining all day.....